Running Thoughts

See that smile? That day it was a genuine smile, I felt like I could take on the world. I absolutely loved every single part of me. It's crazy how much that smile hides most of the time though. I am a girl who is exhausted all the freaking time, but still wanting to do all the things. I am a girl who desperately wants to meet new people but has herself guarded with a steel wall. Lately I've wondered if I'll ever be able to drop that wall fully.

My life has already gone so many directions I didn't expect. I am learning to breathe and take it all in, trust the process. I started reading a book that was like a huge kick in the face. I realized how truly naive I have been the last 5 years. The things I believed and trusted make me wonder how I could be so damn stupid. But love and hope makes you be that way. I am a million miles from where I was before and have made strides to become the woman I am today.

I am continuing therapy, just took a job with Morgan Stanely, and have so many things going for me. Eddie is starting preschool in September and is the brightest kid I've ever met; I don't just say that because I am his mom. I can tell the next two years are going to be a lot of self discovery and hard work. Next July I am going to take a huge leap and go tour Europe for a whole month. It's going to be so hard not having Eddie but the discovery I'm going to find will be well worth it. I need to be me, and find the parts of me I don't know yet.

The best thing for me right now is to continue the hard work and keep doing the grind. I can be the best friend you will ever have, I know I am a damn good mom (even when I feel like I'm not). BUT I am a terrible person to myself; I will tear myself down and put me last to take care of other people. I've never really put myself first so next July it's all for Me. I know my experience won't be the same as Gabrielle Stone's but we already have so much in common I know I'll grow so much.

I'm learning more than before lately that you have to make the jump, take the trip, buy the dress, risk the kiss, dance it out, get drunk, spend all night out. I have spent way too much time trying to be perfect or fixing others. I'm going to live the rest of this year and become just as much a priority as Eddie is. I felt completely depressed and angry most of the day. The fact that I am in a decent mood and not blogging about how terrible my life is, well that's a huge difference from the person I was before. I see the good in every day even if life has given me 0 reasons to. I

Lately I have felt abandoned by everyone. Not enough for so many reasons. When I first separated from my husband I was worried about finding a man who would love me and Eddie. A mom who never has time for anything plus my package that is this blog. I am a hard girl to love and I take a lot of reassurance. But I'm learning to just be and be incredibly grateful.

I'm grateful......

I didn't jump into a relationship in 2019

I am sticking to my boundaries.

Still doing the work no matter how hard it gets.

Learning to love myself and put me first.

I'll try to post more but I'm going to cuddle my kids and get ready for a new day and beginning tomorrow without the funk of today.

But seriously can it be time to go to Europe yet?!?!