Riding the rough waves

Wow this week has been something else. Monday is the worst I have been mentally in a long time. I keep thinking it can’t get worse and then bam. The only things keeping me together is this blog, books, mic and Eddie.

From mentally breaking down to seizure to more breaking down. Tuesday came along and I was so drained and mentally fucked I could barely keep one eye open. I looked like I had just come out of surgery and had just taken a huge beating. I’ll tell you though; I’d prefer a beating over this emotional pain that keeps getting thicker and thicker. At least a physical beating leaves bruises. Mental pain makes you look crazy, and the other person can mentally convince themselves they did nothing wrong.

This week has taught me a lot though. I have a lot of stuff to still go through and figure out; a ton to let go of. I have a ton of things to process, and it may be an easy process, or it may almost kill me like this week. What I do know is I can do this. I am not alone; my circle may be shrinking but that comes as a blessing. People show their true colors and learning to value myself over other people will be a skill I will use forever. You can love someone from afar and protect yourself by no letting them in your life.

That guy I took home from the bar….. Oh man the number of things we have in common literally made me take a step back. Straight down to Grey's Anatomy episode references, he wants kids, doesn’t have any (No more crazy baby mammas), but most importantly he is completely fine being friends. He knows I am guarded and dealing with a lot so he isn’t pushing anything but friendship. Today after an argument that instead of someone admitting they should have done it differently and the conversation could have been over. It blew up like always and resulted in me being called stupid and retarded (shocker). To think I miss this guy…. That I wonder if I had fought harder, we could have made it. Allow him to get into my head and make me question everything straight down to who I am and my mental health. I was angry, hurt and dumbfounded.

Anyways he asked how I am like he does every day, checks on Eddie (Who he’s never met). I finally let it out and let him in a little bit. Because any conversation with my ex makes me feel crazy and like I’m delusional about everything and I needed to talk to someone about it. I’ve known this guy less than a month and this guy responded with “You make up for all of the love that little boy misses out on. You are one of the most dedicated moms I’ve ever met. Fuck your ex, it astounds me he even scored a girl like you. Your son is lucky to have you”. This man has never seen me with my son. This man has dealt with right after coming home with me, than me pushing him away because the thought of letting him in scared the hell out of me. Still does…. He dealt with my ups and downs and randomly not messaging him back because I really don’t know if I can handle another heartbreak.

Before I started this blog post today, I was emotionally a wreck, but I can’t keep giving him the power. I can’t keep having seizures because he still has control over me. Talking to bar guy made me smile and calmed me down. I know I’m not perfect and can be just as toxic as the next person, but I also know I am a good person. I fight like hell for the people who destroyed me. If my ex called me right now, I’d jump in the car and be there at the drop of a hat if he needed me. Sad part is, he wouldn’t do the same. I sat on the phone completely breaking down telling him Eddie and I needed him. He never came, didn’t even try. Our demise was inevitable, it wasn’t an equal relationship.

My goal is to no longer jump for people who don’t deserve it. Possibly let new people in while still keeping myself safe. A lot to figure out and work on but I know I can do this. No matter how many steps I take backwards I will make it to the end stronger than before. Just have to focus on one thing at a time.