Randomness

Today I have the urge to write but my brain is oddly empty and racing all at the same time. So this post most likely will be a huge blur.

Today was rough but I’m still standing. I was able to listen to my instincts and not second guess them. I handled my emotions on my own and didn’t follow through after I reached out. I almost fell into old habits that are comfortable and turned to someone who I shouldn’t be turning to no matter how much comfort I crave. Not normal comfort but just what's familiar. Since my dad moved, I have realized how truly alone I am. How scary it really is being a single mom.

This world is so dark and now that I am forming boundaries and becoming who I really am; there aren’t a lot of people left around. It’s comforting but also terrifying at the same time. I dreamed of getting to some of these milestones and I’m grateful I am making it but, looking around I didn’t expect it to look or feel like this. I barely let anyone in anymore and have been dead set on my plans in the next couple months.

Now I have no idea what I want or am going to do. I am going to breathe and take it moment by moment. I’m staying guarded but letting bar guy in slowly. Today was scary and he called what was happening right away without me telling him. He understands what it’s like to be an empath and reminds me constantly to take care of myself. He makes me smile so big from the silliest things and Eddie adores him. I’ve never seen him so comfortable with a guy before; I don’t have many guy friends either. We are friends and both patiently waiting to see where it goes. Getting to know who each of us really is.

So many options have presented themselves in the last few weeks. I would have flipped and self-sabotaged in the past but instead I am breathing and going with the flow of things. Trying to be truly present and not get caught up in the past of what ifs. I’ve wasted way too much time letting things destroy moments and relationships. My relationship with myself and Eddie will always be first; but I'm learning to let people in again.

It’s terrifying yet calming knowing my walls are slowly going down. Having someone want to get to know every small piece of me. He’s already called out toxic relationships that are in my to do list to get under control or cut out. I’m grateful I met this man because he is an amazing friend and understands that I am not in any position to be in a relationship. I never thought I would allow a man to meet Eddie before we were serious in a relationship but in this scenario, I am grateful it happened.

I don’t really have a point to this post other than be present. Enjoy the little things like rain and smiles. Being able to feel the pain when it comes, because at least than you know you’re alive. Pain hurts and can destroy you but it also wakes you up and teaches you how to be who you were meant to be. I have become someone I never thought possible because of the pain and things that have happened to me.

Today I am grateful for so many things but here are a few:

Eddie, Bar guy, Mic, Ambre, Shalice, Aspen, Wind, Skies, Sun, Cars, Tears, Pain, Phones, Medication, Therapy, location Job, Education, Booboo, Daycare, pictures, Ketamine, Music, Writing, Books, laughter, Eddies little kisses and so much more. No matter what you’re doing right now, close your eyes and just listen. Listen to the wind or the silence and just be for a second because even though today was hard, I was able to keep myself grounded. Ground yourself and remember tomorrow is a new day and today was just a lesson that the wind gets to take away at the end of the day.