Random Jabber

I have been dropped down to therapy once a month, all my diagnosis have been taken back. I will stay on my mood stabilizer and other meds for awhile just to be safe. When you are constantly hit over and over it’s hard to determine if anything chemical is going on. My therapist and I were talking about my moods and what I’ve noticed. I had to stop and take a moment and really think. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. Thinking before reacting and really trying to understand the situation from a logic point.

When she asked about my mood and what I’ve noticed. I stopped, speechless for a second. I didn’t know how to answer that question. So we took a second to take a look; I’m an emotional person there is no doubt about that but every time my mood jumped all over the place something was going on. I don’t remember a time in my life where things weren’t up and down. Since meeting Darren and the changes I’ve done on myself we wanted to really be aware of them and see what we discover.

I am the happiest I have ever been, but not because of other people. Darren, damn this man makes me happy but I found my happiness within myself before I met him. When I met him, I was content just being me and focusing on getting even better and being a better mom. I was over my hoe and self-destruction faze. I’m still having increasingly amounts of anxiety but I’m also breaking old habits while navigating through a healthy relationship.

Darren and I talk about everything and if I handle something poorly, he will tell me. He’s patient with me. Our communication scares me with how easy it can be, even when I’m nervous or anxious it ends up being a positive conversation.

Friday after Darren meal prepped for my grandparents for the weekend (Told you he is amazing) we had a long talk about things. I was terrified because of how conversations usually have gone in the past, but it was the easiest conversation I’ve had. We took the kids to Idaho to see my dad’s new house and talk about an amazing trip. I was never alone in doing anything, when he’s around it becomes a game of what I can get away with doing before he can do/help me with it.

The weekend was amazing, but we ran into some bumps. Most of the trip we were our little happy family enjoying the outdoors. Darren is amazing with Eddie AND Cis, he doesn’t have too but he accepts Cis as much as Eddie because he knows how much she means to me. Cisna is really struggling with the fact that I’m with Darren and not her dad. She’s voiced this in more ways than one and we are working with her and being patient because it’s a lot for one tiny human. I can’t say this enough, this man amazes me. He took time this weekend to give Cis as much attention as he could. He is patient and refuses to give up on her no matter how hard she makes it. I couldn’t ask for anyone else to be mine and not just be mine but a partner.

This weekend had me really frustrated even with all the good….. My sweet Cis has so many changes and things going on everywhere she turns. Makes me sad and worried, this wasn’t supposed to be the life any of my kids have. I’m reading so many books about parenting, co-parenting, preparing kids to handle trauma and navigate it, etc; anything I can do to make Eddie the best person he can be with the happiest life. Cis's parents both have partners and she's fine with them but for some reason is not okay with me being with anyone. Why is it that I’m not allowed to move on and be happy? This made me so confused it hurt deep. It gets so frustrating and hard but then I remember I am the only constant in this little girl’s life. Having my life change causes more drastic effects than her parents. Everything about my life has always been the same minus slight changes. I have less control over her, but I will never stop fighting for her because she is worth it. I love this little family of mine and so grateful she’s apart of it.