Ramble Ramble Ramble

My mind is going a million miles an hour so be patient with me because this is going to be a ramble that may not make any sense.

I started therapy with my new therapist Wednesday. I love her and can tell we are going to get some progress done. I opened up about a lot of things I am working towards and things I refused to accept before. So many changes are coming my way and no matter how hard it is to get there, in the end it is going to be so good.

I photographed a funeral this weekend and god that got my brain going. I don't understand this universe and I don't think I ever will. How can a universe take such loved and amazing souls and leave people like me on earth. How can the universe leave people who have done so many cruel things to people.

I hate decisions. I wish there was a manual telling you how everything is supposed to go.

I hate how big my heart is. I hate how shitty I felt today for something that isn’t my fault. I hate hearing people's voices and missing them but knowing there will never be anything there again.

I hate having to listen to terrible recordings to break my heart over and over again so that my mind can win this ongoing battle. Having to stop yourself from making dumb mistakes that have taken almost all of you. If I continually break my own heart, I’m in control and can’t let love win. If no one gets in than I am in control and always win in the end.

I hate how depressed I’ve been. Getting out of bed is a struggle. I could sleep for days and not even be upset that I missed so much time. Wanting to stop existing so I can finally get some peace. Eddie, thank God for him. Gives me a reason to get out of bed and smile even when the rest of me is breaking.

I hate feeling like a failure of a mom because I am not doing what other people want me to do. Because my plans for his life will never come true and maybe just maybe I’m not enough for him.

I hate life, I hate my brain for the things it comes up with. I hate mental health and I hate how much I still love all these people who have destroyed me. I hate missing them and making excuses and taking blame to try to help my brain understand.

I know my work will never end; it will constantly be a battle. I know I can make it and will successfully do so. I know this is just a bump in the road like all the other ones. To be angry but not let it consume me. To get to the day where things aren’t this damn complicated.

I thought I was closed off before but every single day I am reminded how guarded I really am right now. Thinking it can’t get worse, than bam another wall is up. I don’t even want friends at this point because letting someone in means they can take little pieces of me and I don’t have any left to give. I want so badly to be loved and have that relationship I had 5 years ago but I also know how things end. It always ends badly so I’d rather deal with the pain of loneliness over that pain again.

Real love and successful relationships aren’t realistic for people like me who have been through hell and back. Getting past the walls and scars just isn’t something that is possible. I pull people in than leave them running like I’m a car wreck waiting to happen. If the rare chance they don’t run they slowly kill me by taking piece by piece of me.

I NEVER want to get married again. I never want to let anyone in 100% again. I want to run and hide where Eddie and I can just be in the middle of nowhere and no one can hurt us.

I want to be successful and stop making dumb decisions but when your world is the way mine is, every single thing you do gets beat by an even bigger hammer.

I’ve had thoughts I never thought I’d have again. I am holding myself together on the outside, but I am so lost down a rabbit hole on the inside. Wishing the tears streaming down my face would stop this ache in my chest.

The only joys I have now are writing, crafting, Eddie and Mic. I’ve started putting space between every single person I’ve ever been close with. Keeping them at arm’s length and not letting anyone in anymore. It’s scary being alone but with my brain it’s better for it to just be us. I know that I live in my head and it help destroy us.

The not sleeping, nightmares, zoning out and just being numb to the world is back. Not being able to be woken up by those hands I use to feel safe in. Now I wake up gasping for air trying to find even an ounce of fight in that moment.

I know this is a cryptic and a confusing post; but welcome to my brain. I’m just in a very lost state right now and needed to write before I lost my shit. I am not in any danger. I’m just incredibly tired and sad. I need something and hopefully I can figure it out soon because I’m running thin.

I have Eddie and man does that kid love me. I put him down before finally pulling my computer out after days of trying to formulate anything into words and he says, “momma you are my very best friend”. God I hope he still loves me as much as he does now forever. He is so innocent and looks at me like I’m new and doesn’t have one single scar. He is my why and without him I wouldn’t be here. I would have given up long ago. I've accepted that hating myself is just something that exists.

"Take me as I am, swear I do the best I can" - Justin Bieber