Push Through The Pain

Yesterday was a good but extremely emotional day. TMI but this is the worst period I’ve had in a long time. Still pushed through and got out of the house. Got to watch Eddie enjoy nature and experience something I experienced as a kiddo. We went to bear world and he loved "bear hunting". These are memories I'll cherish forever.

I was supposed to have a friend visit from Utah and once again they bailed and honestly it’s not really phasing me anymore, at this point I’m just done putting effort out. There are so many relationships I'm done with, they no longer serve me and I'm over being the girl who is important when we need her.

Having this happen brought a lot of awareness; seems to be something rearing its head right now. Last week my therapist gave me an assignment. Before I react freeze and look at the space between the lines. See why I’m reacting this way and if it’s the way I want to react. Be aware of why I’m feeling the way I am.

For the most part I’ve been doing well with it. I could have reacted in so many ways with situations this week that I haven’t. Than Eddie hit me which he hasn’t done in a while. He was already pushing me and pushing me so I snapped. It wasn’t till after I snapped that I realized my “space” was crushed and the moment had passed. I took a deep breathe and he cried it out. We both apologized and had a talk about why we both felt the way we did and finished the night on a good note. Therapy’s is going wonders for us both and I can see a bright future for us.

I still hate my body but don't feel like smashing mirrors anymore. I didn't want to get up and do anything. I wanted to binge watch my shows and eat junk food. My dad actually had my normal push for the gym; seeing him go gave me the push I needed. We trade off with the kiddos so we both can go, which is bittersweet. We went the other day and it was so good to spend that time with him. I've been taking every negative memory or thought and pushing through the pain when I work out.

From a different and probably kinda fucked up way it's the same as cutting (Going on 7 years clean); it helps redirect the pain and makes the brain silent. I blast my music and lean into the pain. Take every moment when I wanted to shatter the mirror and said hateful things to myself; use the pain to make them disappear. The amount of weight and reps is rising and I am so proud of myself. I'm feeling more and more okay with weighing 108 but it still scares the hell out of me. Like I've said it's not numbers but the fear of what those numbers can do to a body like mine that hasn't ever been that way.

I feel like my body looks like it should have after having Eddie more now than before. I don't understand it but I'm going to lean into it. I've learned just showing up at the gym is enough and a first step toward your goals.

Here's a peek at our "Bear Hunt"