October 24, 2022

The universe is ironic isn't it, the way things change in a second. I was thinking yesterday and realized how good I'm doing even though I am no longer on my mood stabilizer; actually I'm only on anxiety medication now. I'm still in one piece and doing just as good as I was with it. I am writing more and more; mostly my books but I'm continuing doing everything I said I would. Word's are turning into chapters and I'm filling in the notebook I carry around with me.

I listen to my motivational speeches almost every morning; need to work on the gym again now that Eddie is getting better from the Flu and life is calming down. He is already an overly emotional kid and seeing his dad than getting sick definitely didn't help. I've been doing so good at calming him down and keeping us above water when shit hits but tonight I lost it; luckily it was on the inside not outside.

I need to remember that everyone hits bad moments, and it's getting easier but damn it still sucks. My brain still settles in saying something is wrong with me and I shouldn't struggle.

He's refused to talk to his dad since he left and today he said "I don't want to talk to him until he brings me more presents." We are very big on boundaries around here and if he doesn't want to talk to someone than he doesn't have to. It makes me so frustrated that he looks at his dad like he's just here to bring presents but I cannot change the situation. Honestly I already knew he viewed it like this but hearing it is another thing. I have to just love him and continually help him become a healthier/happy Eddie. He starts with one of the top Trauma therapists on the 8th and I'm so excited to get someone on his side; his own personal advocate. When his dad was here he started hitting himself in the head and it's continued and let me tell you watching your kid physically hurt themselves is the absolute worst. It broke me, literally sat on the stairs balling.......

He deserves better and it's so hard knowing I don't have a wand to give him that; but that pain of watching is what pushes me to make sure he has everything he can to turn everything around. Hitting yourself is a trauma response so were headed in the right direction. Just have to take it one step at a time.

I'm on call tonight so on top of Eddie needing me I have drivers needing my assistance. Work was a shit show, I wasn't able to get to any of my errands after work and didn't really get any time today to even breathe. I don't miss Darren and I can say that confidentially but I realized I miss having those Fridays where someone was there to hold me at the end of the week and help me realize I'm not just a single mom. I miss the safety that came with him; not him as a person at this point. I'm good alone, and am a very capable person but sometimes it sucks being alone and I'm not afraid to say it anymore. I can be alone, but I don't want to be. But I also know I still have work to do and more things I need to accomplish while it's just me.

I changed Eddie after an accident and had to breathe deeply while I held in the tears. I just wanted to loose it in the moment but I didn't, I remembered that I can have bad days and moment and all my progress still matters. I made it to this point on my own, I didn't have anyone else doing the work it was all me and I am allowed hard days. So I breathed deeply and comforted my child so we could move on to having a good night.

Now I'm finally writing and feeling better with the most amazing little man laying on my lap. We're allowed hard days and it's okay for him to see me having hard nights and the good nights. He won't have the life I had and I've proven it so I need to give myself the credit and grace I deserve.

We have some big changes coming our way and I'm excited for them! We moved his 6th birthday trip to Universal instead of Disney since it's more his personality. I'm going to Cancun 2023 and 2024 were going to Florida. I just got a raise at work so It's making these things even more realistic.

Still working on loving myself but I beleive that will be a constant war within myself but it's getting easier. Have to put in my work every day just like writing my book. You can have anything it's just a matter of manifesting and working towards it. I believe with every ounce of me it's a matter of wanting it and fighting like hell to get it. I got this far; so at this point nothing is stopping me now.

New goal for November:

Gym 4 times a week; even if it's just the equipment I bought

1 hour of writing a night

At least one motivational speech a day

My gratitude Journal every day