Not just the fear

Healing, man it's a complex thing. I use to think it was a little bit of hard times and than it would all be over. I learned these last two years that It is a never ending process. No one will be 100%. There is always room to grow regardless of your situation. When I started seeking help it was because I'm terrified of being a bad mom. I was tired of the mess of my life. The things that my brain came up with; a lot of these things are still a thing but man are they better. When they do get bad I can shut them down pretty well.

The last two years I've really accepted the fact that I'm alone. I enjoy it more than I ever thought I could. Since I was 16 and met the first guy who completely destroyed me; I haven't been alone. Just jumped from one heartbreak to the next. When I'm in a relationship, regardless of the kind; I throw myself 100% into it and love with every fiber of my being. The problem with all these relationships is I brought so much baggage from my life from before. The kind of men I picked didn't help the situations either.

Recently I've been completely okay being alone but I'm human and I get lonely. I've had flings that just filled a void of being alone and physical needs. I'm terrified to date or let anything turn into something more than a fling. I can physically feel the walls around me, like some memory block. Someone more than just a booty call with a little more. The sex and being held only filled that void for so long. BUT it also taught me how to be independent. No longer needing to rely on someone to be happy.

I'm not just scared of getting hurt again; giving my all for it to be stomped on. I'm terrified to lose myself in another relationship. I love being alone, I love being able to make myself happy. Not having worry about anyone but me and what is best for Eddie. I'm also terrified to hurt someone else. My "booty call" fell in love with me. I broke his heart because he wanted more than I was ready or willing to give. That wasn't my intention but it happened.

So no matter how terrified I am of so many things; I am going to lean in and jump. Take things slowly day by day. Not look for a relationship but also not be against one. Continue in my healing and be happy. Continue cutting negative people out while setting healthy boundaries. I've already lived so many hard things in this life; so I an done with them. I'm going to continue making the best life possible,

Go the gym again

Get back in therapy

Continue Ketamine

Write more

Self Help books

Taking self care time, because the amount I deal with makes me worthy of some time