Never Really Alone

Have you ever had someone in your life that you have no idea what you did right in this world to deserve them? That's my sunshine Mic, No matter how bad I get mentally or how bad I scare her she is always there for me. She sees me and pushes for me to see her too. I feel like shes my constant in a chaotic world.

I've been struggling so bad lately that I've scheduled another Ketamine treatment. I'm being proactive and paying attention to what I need. I'm reaching out even when I'm a numb zombie mess. I was terrified to tell anyone what was going on, when I finally did I was greeted with open arms. I scared her and the beauty of our friendship is she was able to tell me and we are still okay. She didn't run and cut me off. She doesn't think I'm too much, she sees strength when she looks at me.

I'm pushing myself harder than I ever have before. Maybe it's because this time last year I was in rehab. Fighting for myself, to have peace and figure out why I am the way that I am. Fighting for my kids so they never have to repair themselves from me. I was fighting for a relationship that was not savable so that I didn't put my kid into a broken family. I was fighting to not take my life. I have been clean from self harm for almost 6 years, when I was in rehab that itch came back full swing.

Anything to make the pain stop. Being numb was so much better than this dark cloud that never seems to stay gone for long. I wouldn't know Mic if I hadn't checked myself into pathways. She is my saving grace and my angel. She gets me in a way I don't think anyone could. She is someone who every single person who has her in their lives better thank the universe because if she chooses you to be in her space, than you are truly special.

It's midnight and I'm up writing because I feel like I can't breathe and can't sleep.

Universe please let me get some sleep.

Please let me figure this out because I deserve it with everything I've fought through.

Please let me continue growing and being the best me I can possibly be. When I was in therapy; my therapist asked me who I trust. I didn't have one single person including him. Not one single person, after months of hard work (so much more to do) I realized tonight that I trust Mic. I trust her with my life, I would trust her in any situation. If she says jump, I do because I know she will always catch me.

My sunshine,

Thank you for always loving me. For seeing the strength I feel is impossible. Thank you for never hesitating being there if I tell you 911. Thank you for understanding that I am the way I am because of my past. Thank you for letting me be completely vulnerable and not worry about what is going to happen. I love you

Thanks for being my constant other than Edward. Thanks for being the person I can lean on in the worst of my moods. Thanks for being there 100%, even when you feel like you aren't being enough. You being there and allowing me to be apart of your journey is something I will never take for granted.