Motherhood

Motherhood is something I've wanted forever, but I didn't realize it was going to be so damn hard. I love my son so much but my already dark brain is telling me I am the worst mom ever. Almost all the time lately I can't make him happy or comfort him. He wants everyone else.

Today he has been so cuddly and doesn't want to do anything but hang out at home. We've laughed and played all day. Probably the best day I've had in a long time, minus last night when my best friend called me at 9 PM because she missed me. We just laughed and relaxed. Much needed.

But than Edward jumped on me and my reflex swung. I ended up hitting his leg so hard it was red. I don't hit my kids..... He screamed and didn't want me for a few minutes. How am I supposed to be the best for him when I'm falling apart almost all the time.

God I want him to have the best life I can possibly give him. I want him to know how fiercely he is loved. I need to be better and on my game so that I can be what he needs. It wasn't supposed to be this way. He wasn't supposed to have seperated parents. A mom who is good one moment than crying her eyes out the next.

But you wanna know what he did after he calmed down....... He came and curled up in my arms. Gave me a bunch of kisses and said Momma I love you. This kid should not love me today, he should not want to be near me. But he still loves me unconditionally.

How is it possible to be able to hold my heart outside my body?

How is it possible to love someone with such intensity?

The vulnerability you feel once you become a mother can be overwhelming.

I now know what it's like to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally back.

It is scary.

It is vulnerable.

It is amazing and breathtaking.

You feel butterflies in your stomach when they smile at you. You feel your brain releasing some sort of chemical into your bloodstream when they embrace you. Being a mom has rocked my world. Made we want to do better and be a better person. I love them with every cell in my body. I'm sorry mommas brain is broke but I promise I will do my nest to make up for it. Thanks for giving me the best reason to fight to live.