Monday Post Ketamine

I'm still up and down but a lot of it is coming from the expectations and feelings I have towards myself. Ketamine can't cure hating yourself, no matter how much I wish it could. I do know I just have to win the fight the next week or as long as it takes to shake this feeling. When I'm not caught up in my head, I'm so clear and relieved so I know I got some benefit from the Ketamine.

I wish, God I wish I didn't think such terrible things about myself. I shouldn't even just say think, it's believing them with everything in me. I'm terrified to lose or make the wrong move. Second guessing every move, I make like I'm playing chess. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me, lately I just can't trust he isn't going to disappear. I wonder if he will be content with me or if one day like all the others he will wake up and decide I'm not enough anymore.

This last weekend I couldn't get anything out. I could write it down, but I still haven't been able to tell anyone how much I'm struggling. I can feel me closing the walls around me and the locks locking back up. Losing grant really stirred a darkness in me, that not everyone is around forever. In the blink of an eye someone you love can be gone. I've experienced it so much the last few years that you'd think it would become easier.

Instead, I am closing off and trying my hardest to protect myself. Today I'm not a good advocate for mental health because I hate it. I hate life and I hate people. I hate every event that happened to make me feel so scared of everything.

What I don't hate is that I know this will pass. This blog and me still standing here is proof of that. It's just a matter of shaking off the bad feelings and pushing through it. So, tonight Eddie and me are going to dinner just the two of us. We're going to laugh and cuddle and be present like we were the night we got stuck in a snowstorm in the middle of Idaho. Giggling and just being present. Nothing else mattered in those moments but being happy and how much that little boy loves me. Grant painted the prettiest sky this morning to remind me I can do this and I am so damn loved.

It's just a bad day not a bad life.