Maybe Independence Is Best

My entire life I've done everything I could to please everyone else. Do what is best for the people I love, trying to build this life I dream so hard for. The problem with that is I end up putting too much faith into other people. I have to put us first because no one else matters in the end. So starting now I'm going to stop trying to plan this life I dream so hard for because we already have so much. Compared to where I was last year let alone yesterday is amazing. I have to focus on that and keep fighting to give that precious little boy I have the life he deserves. One day I hope he knows that everything I do is for him and I love him with everything in me.

He has taught me so many lessons but most of all that I am loved. That I can do things right. This amazing little boy already lives in a difficult time in the world and his life isn't easy on top of that. He has severe separation anxiety. He already has fear of people leaving because his dad disappeared. Than my dad moved and it's killing us both; he was our life line. Darren doesn't live with us and I have no idea when it will happen, and everytime Sunday comes he ends up a huge emotional mess. The sad part is I swore he would never have the same issues I have but looks like we both have abandonment issues and know what it feels to be picked last and never put first. The difference is I will NEVER not be someone he can't rely on. He will always have his momma no matter what. If it kills me one day, he will know he has one person in his corner no matter what.

I wish I hadn't tried to convince myself that you can trust people, because no matter how much someone loves you; you get burnt. Especially when you give 100% and just want something close to that in return. I had a friend tell me once that I will always be disappointed in people because of how rare of a person I am, and I'm not going to find anyone who is able to give me back what I give. This was a huge revelation that hurt, because no wonder I'm so lonely and feel like I will never be enough for anyone.

Maybe things aren't supposed to be easy for me. Maybe that's why I am still standing here today, because most days I feel like I can't take one more breathe.

I know so many woman who can get pregnant at the drop of a hat but not me. I turn 30 this year and am not naive. That is going to make it even harder if I ever try again.

I know everyone has things go on in relationships behind the scenes but it's fairly easy in some aspects. I wonder what it feels like to be someone's #1 and have them be sure with no doubt that they are the one for them.

I am so damn Jealous of everyone whos brain isn't dark. People who get on meds and do what they need and get better and it actually works. I have my ups and downs but I feel like I will never not be in a dark place. What would it be like to not have so much fear and darkness that some days the light has no way in.

Don't get me wrong I am so damn lucky, things could be so much darker for me but times like tonight I just wish I could catch my breathe and feel like I am worth more than just a convenience. More than just a damaged person trying to survive.