Living Day By Day The Best I can

I started writing one of my books again. Feels really good to be writing more than just my blogs here and there. My new therapist is absolutely amazing, and we have plans that are actually going to work. Last week my homework was to really dig down deep and pay attention to how I feel being around certain people. How the conversation’s make me feel. I already knew I had some toxic relationships that my therapist and I have been making a plan to destroy but boy did that assignment wake me up.

At this point I’ve thought about pulling Eddie from his preschool program before he starts and moving as soon as my dad gets a place. Then work on getting our own house from there, it will be easier to buy living there anyways. Leaving will be the scariest thing but for the usual reasons. My people, God I love my people. Not being able to just drive to their houses for any reason is going to kill me. But luckily 3 hours isn’t like it was when It was 15. Plus we have 911, in case we need each other.

I’d rather move before anything else changes. Before I get into a new Psychiatrist and my follow ups with all of my million other doctors. Luckily my therapist does Telehealth and Ketamine is in Ogden, so those two things don’t have to change. Even when I was planning on moving back to Washington, I was going to fly back every 6 months to see people and do get my Ketamine booster. Grateful I’m not that far because looks like I’ll be getting Ketamine each month till September.

My dad officially moved, and it sucks, I already miss him, and Eddie asks for him nonstop. I also am kinda running when it comes to moving again (shocker). Bar guy is amazing, and it could potentially go somewhere. I know I am not ready though and I can’t jump into a relationship and then move. When I saw him this last weekend, I could feel one of my walls dropping and it scared the hell out of me. Not wanting him to release his arms around me. He even commented on how tight I hang on…… Yeah sorry, abandonment issues big time. I can’t help but still have a panic attack after leaving and it not being just a hookup.

Feeling like in some way I betrayed my marriage by having him touch me in more than a sexual way. How in the hell is this even possible?!

1) I’m not married anymore

2) He has a girlfriend his is very much physical and “loving” with

3) I won’t take him back no matter how much I want to some days

4) You can’t be with someone you go from hating to loving. That just toxic and I have/had enough of that

5) I can’t be lied to again by him as “his person”. I won’t survive it again.

I love who I am and hate it all at the same time. My heart is so damn big that even after all the shit that went down the last 5 years, I still feel like shit for how it turned out. I feel like shit for losing the relationships I did; even though most of them weren’t on my side. Same reason they still check this blog, because I wasn’t someone they loved or cared for. I was entertainment who brought my other kids around. I still feel like maybe just maybe my kids wouldn’t be so broken If I had stayed but what would that have taught them…..

Recently there was an incident (not going into detail) that has completely thrown Edward into a spiral. I knew his dad being in another state and us not being together would make it hard on him. Watching it is another heartbreak. He gets so emotional than a switch is on, and he wants nothing to do with his dad. It kills me, then I want to protect him and cut his dad off but then the love for my son and even his dad (eye roll) comes in and I make sure they have a relationship. I’m not mad or will I ever be that they have a relationship, because it’s what I want. No matter how mad I get, my emotions will never get in the way of his relationship with his dad. Example I send him every single photo I take of the kids. But I do hate that I still love him, I hate that I blame myself for not staying and just being miserable because I do love him and I don’t understand this world and why things went the way they went. I hate that I care so damn much about his family still and long for a relationship that wasn’t real. I hate that I care, but also if I didn’t I wouldn’t be who I am and I wouldn’t change that for a second.