It’s no longer something that happened, it’s anger now

Some people don’t get why I am the way I am. How I can be so up and down, and expect the worst. For a long time I didn’t understand either and craved some kind of normal. Not understanding what was wrong with me and why I had to be “off”. I wanted nothing more than to just be "normal".

The only way I knew how to survive was destroying anything and everything in my path. Now it was not all me, I have a knack for choosing people who are broken as projects. It was like mixing fire and gasoline. Some people like to believe I was just crazy and caused things to go down the way they did. Not understanding how desperate I was to feel normal and loved. How bad I fought to just be enough for one god damn person.

People knew something was off, there were so many kids not allowed at my house and we were treated like we had some disease we were going to affect everyone with. This didn’t help the negative view all of us kids had on ourselves. I’ve learned since becoming an adult that I am not the only one who absolutely hates myself.

I searched for any help in 2019, I could tell I was running out of strength. So I started my ketamine treatments, which saved me in more ways than I can ever explain. But, healing the pathways in your brain doesn’t change the damage caused by the memories and trauma. Than my life fell even more apart when I became a divorced single mom to heal myself from being cheated on right after having my son and all the other things that went down. Not sure what makes a man think I’m going to go have sex with another woman while the mother of my child just went through hell having a baby for me, but I’m not a man or a person that would do anything like that. So I'll never understand.

Anyways, than a bunch of other stuff happened so I decided to seek therapy; we decided it would be best to do inpatient. The memories coming up and the trauma I was trying to heal from were too much to try to work through once a week than go home and try to juggle everything I juggle on a regular basis. So I hesitantly agreed....... I healed and met some of my closest friends there. I learned a lot about who I am and even more about my past. Let me tell you though, learning why you are the way you are isn't always a good thing.

Before going inpatient I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, than when I went inpatient they took all diagnoses away. I did my genetic testing about what Meds work and don't and have remained on medication since beginning with pathways. Well today I met with a new Med doctor because I already take so much medication I didn't want to just manage it all on my own. I was given the diagnosis of Bipolar again today.... Yeah I know none of us are surprised. Everyone was right Haley is off in the head....

Now to the angry part. First off no one in this entire world has the right to judge me for anything. Second, I am the way that I am because the person who was supposed to protect me was so reckless it changed the way my brain works. Everyone looks at me and says well your mom was a drug addict and in and out or prison, big deal? That isn't what broke me, not even close. The being told I would never be enough for anyone, the beatings, the saying I was too fat no matter how tiny I was, the sexual abuse and worst of all being sex trafficked for drugs.

The sex trafficking memory didn't come up till I started EMDR. I knew something absolutely terrible happened because of the black hole that was my childhood. Until today I've been able to just shrug it off, yeah it happened what can I do about it now? Talking to my med doctor about everything; I once again had another doctor almost in tears because how in the hell could one person endure so many things in one lifetime?

I don't know why it hit hard today but it did. I was robbed of my childhood, made to be strong when I was supposed to just be a child. I am tired of being strong and resilient.... Why can't I just be Haley, is that too much to ask for? While everyone else got to be kids and find out who they were I was pinned down in cars and raped by multiple men than expected to just pretend it didn't happen and act like a kid again. I was 5 years old for fuck sake. How was I supposed to pretend that I wasn't just shown that I really wasn't worth even a second thought to any of these people.

So today I am angry, I am fuming. I am breaking and hurting. My mom was supposed to protect me and instead she broke me and I don't know if I will ever like let alone love myself. I don't know why today it started to hurt and all the feelings arose but they did. I'm sure a lot of it had to do with talking to a doctor about how much you hate yourself and you don't expect people to stay because if you can't even stand being around yourself how in the hell are you supposed to keep other people around.

I know I'll be back to being strong soon and be able to take on everything like it never happened but today I wish I didn't exist. Today I hope and pray that I can get past this dark cloud that broke me today because I can't keep feeling like no one really loves me, it hurts too much.

Just a reminder not to judge people..... I look like a innocent woman who is just being a mom and works hard. No one could have ever guessed what happened to me. You have no idea what people go through or deal with. The last thing people need is to feel like they are fucking up even more because today I felt embarrassed because I take as much medication as I do and that I won't be enough because I'm too broken. No one wants to love someone like me with the amount of baggage I have; baggage I should have never had because I was a child and that's the unfair part.