It's a bad day not a bad life

I’m extremely happy, even on the not so good days. Today I’ve been feeling stuck and not enough…. Everyone has that idea of what their future is going to look like. I turn 29 in 81 days and I am not where I envisioned, I’d be; don’t get me wrong I’m grateful because I am so blessed. I have an amazing son who is better than I could have ever dreamed of, I have family who are accepting boundaries, friends of all kinds who make my life brighter and a partner who surprises me more and more; showing me he is one of the good ones. Hell, that good ones still exist.

The last little bit I’ve been feeling like I’m not enough, and absolutely hate the way I look. I dreamed of being a mom my entire life, I wanted nothing more. I’m a mom and I love it but Damn being a single mom is hard. Eddie had his first school event today and I was able to go, but I ended up crying the whole way home. I wanted to be that mom who is involved in everything, and I can’t be. I don’t even get to take or pick him up from school. I feel like I am missing out on everything, and I’ll never get it back. I didn't know any of the other kids or the moms. I always wanted to be the involved mom who helped out as much as I could.

Eddie is hitting his terrible 3’s and is pushing so hard. When they said your kid will be worse than you, I should have known I was screwed. I get so frustrated than feel like a bad mom because his dad isn’t around and I'm the only one guiding him. Darren has made strides and Eddie listens so well to him when he’s here but when he leaves Eddie pushes to see if I’ll keep up the boundaries we have set together. The issue is when he isn’t here, I get so tired I don’t want to fight all the time. I just want the screaming or fighting to stop.

Then when I finally let someone help and take him, I feel like I’m pawning him off. When does the guilt and anger end? Guilt because Edward deserves a better life than this, anger because his dad gets to do whatever he wants and doesn’t understand how hard it is. He gets the pleasure of claiming his kids but not doing any of the work when it comes to taking care or guiding them.

It’s not even separated parents for him because he doesn’t remember his dad being around. It’s the knowing his dad is his dad but not knowing who his dad is as a person. Until Darren he didn’t know what it was like to have a male figure around other than my dad. He is learning so much from Darren that it makes me tear up because he is finally getting everything I ever wanted for him from a father figure. The hard part now is explaining to him why Darren isn’t home during the week. The weeks are getting harder and harder being away from Darren but we will be patient because the life we will make together will be the life Eddie truly deserves. The life we both deserve because it's not just about Eddie, it's about knowing that we both deserve a good life too.

I just have to remember on the really bad days like today that he is fed, clothed and a happy kid. I am providing for him no matter what it takes and that means so much. I am far from just making it, I’m killing it. Time to shake these off feelings and keep kicking ass for the life we deserve.

FYI: It can be so damn hard getting a photo with a toddler