It isn't always rainbows, sometimes it pours

The thing's life has thrown at me haven’t always been easy. The view of myself has ups and downs but I don't think it's been this bad in a long time. I've worked so hard since 2019 to become a better person and not just someone who says well that's who I am because that happened to me. NO, I want to be the woman who stands up and says yeah that happened but I am healthy and let go of the things that happened so I could be a better person.

I am working on getting back in with my therapist that actually worked because my work isn't done. I don't know if it ever will be. Just because I am as healthy as I am now doesn't mean I'm anywhere close to being done. So many ups and downs this year it blows my mind that I am still standing here but that I am also able to admit I have so much more work to do.

There were times where I wondered if Eddie would be better without me. Literally crying on my bed wishing (God I can't believe I'm about to say this) that I never had him. If I didn't have him I could have ended my life, I could have cut everyone attached to my ex husband out. Just stopped life and not gotten out of bed because I didn't have anyone relying on me. The way I felt, if I wasn't enough than why exist anymore. Wishing I would just waste away. God am I grateful I have him because he is 90% the reason I am still here today. He is the reason I strive so damn hard to be a better person. He is the reason I got as far as I have and know I deserve so much more than I've settled for.

This kid is struggling so much lately and I know that has a part in why I am hating myself so much. I feel like a failure constantly and just want to feel like I'm doing something right by him. When I dreamed of being a mom I had this idea of what kind of mom I was going to be and the life I would provide. Damn did life have a reality check for me.

I got covid so Darren hasn't been around, my dad had to take Eddie because I was almost hospital sick. I couldn't breathe and my fever got to 103, I have never been that sick in my life. If my dad hadn't taken Eddie I would have not been able to take care of him and it would have been a bad situation. I could barely move let alone take care of a little human.

Yesterday he told me he's firing his dad so Darren can be his dad. That he never wants to see his dad again and he's not allowed in his house. Today he started crying because I didn't get to go trick or treating with him and he doesn't have a dad because Darren hasn't been home. Then he said when I marry Darren he won't see me anymore (No were not getting married) because Darren leaves and I'll have to leave with him.

His dad not being around has broke my child. If he had his dad around having Darren around only on the weekends wouldn't be so hard. It would just be normal. He has abandonment issues and is only 3. How the hell is this even fair!? It makes me so damn angry... The next weekend and the week after is going to be pure hell. I am dreading it, because his dad will come and give him presents then disappear again. He will be put through an emotional roller coaster and I have to just sit back and allow it to happen. BUT I AM SO DAMN GRATEFUL FOR DARREN. He is going to help the transition after his dad leaves smoother by reminding him that no matter what he will be here on the weekends. He will answer the phone when Eddie calls him; which is becoming more common. That he will always just be a drive away. He will hold him while he loses it if I can't handle it anymore. He will hold the pieces together that I can't in the moment till I can stand again.

I know even though this makes me angry that my son will be stronger and a better man because of it. He will be a better dad and person because he didn't have it easy growing up. He will make a better life for himself and work hard for it because he was taught that he can't make the same mistakes his parents did.

I'm jumping and rambling but this is going to be a rough month because there are a lot of things I can't control. So now I'm going to talk about some things I can control. We know I love Darren, I don't hide that or make it a secret. Hell I scream it from the rooftops. This last month I realized I need to prioritize getting back into therapy because I refuse to mess this up. Letting my past get in the way can give me the key to self sabotage. Even my tattoo artist told me not to push him away or fuck this up because my last partner sucked. Damn people know me so well.....

I have never wanted anything to work as bad as I want this to. It's not just desperately craving being loved anymore. It's the way he is with Eddie, the way I feel in his arms, the way he dances in the bathroom with me as I get ready, the way he holds me when I get hysterical because I think he's going to leave or decided I'm not good enough. It's watching him interact with my dad and brother and it not being forced. It's the way we can talk for hours and never run out of things to talk about. It's the way he's half asleep and pulls me closer and kisses my neck. Not sexual just a I love you and you are safe. It's the way he is and the way we are together. He makes me want to be better than I am right now. He makes me want to not be paranoid and to have a healthy relationship. He makes me want forever.... Not the forever I craved before, the simple forever. I don't care if we get the big house, travel the world or any of the other things people fight for. I want the forever love, kid's and a little house of our own. The simple, happy, easy love that when it isn't it's a fight you do together.

Babe,

Thanks for showing me what kind of love I deserve. Thanks for showing me that I am enough. Thanks for giving me hope that maybe I can get my happy ending.