Intuition

Intuition, it’s there to keep us safe and aware. Slowly with trauma and abuse you can’t trust or listen to that little nudge you get when something isn’t right. I don’t remember ever being able to trust my intuition, but damn has it been right a lot of the time. Abusers will do whatever they can to tear you down till you have nothing left. It never leaves though, no matter how many times you ignore it. Yesterday I ignored my intuition when I wish with everything in me, I had trusted it. Nothing would have changed the situation but that doesn’t change how mad at myself I am for not listening.

I always thought I was an empath and my therapist confirmed that recently. I’m learning about it more and figuring out what I need to do so I can survive while still being who I am. Tonight I felt so drained and powerless. Like the life was being sucked out of me. I want so bad to make everything okay for the people I love; especially because I know what it’s like to feel like if one more hit happens you won’t survive. That cry that breaks your soul and wanting to give up. Why continue being strong if it doesn’t change anything in the end.

I have learned so much since the end of 2019 that sometimes I can’t believe things have happened the way they have. I have Ketamine Thursday and I’m looking forward to it; even though I have been doing pretty good this last week since hearing 5 words that finally cut the chains and made me feel free (that’s for another post though). I’m still struggling though; I’ve accepted I always will, but the good days make those bad days so worth it. I’m excited for Thursday because Ketamine has become not just a day to reset everything, but Mic and I are so present on the drive up. Blasting music and feeling every single moment.

Most of you don’t know who Mic is so let me tell you a little bit about her. This woman has changed my life in ways I didn’t know were possible. Her light and personality will make you smile no matter your mood. She never lets me forget who I am and pushes to me to fight no matter how dark it gets. She showed me what trust was again and always cries on the phone with me. She isn’t just a friend she is a soul sister. I have never felt so connected with a person before. She can be completely honest with me while reminding me my worth all at the same time. I don't know what I did to gain her but I will never take it for granted.

When I checked myself into inpatient, I didn’t know what to expect or what would happen. All I knew was that my life was going to change in a really big way. I learned a lot there but the biggest blessing that came out of it was the people I met. I never thought I would walk out with lifelong friends. These people know the darkest parts of me and love me harder than I ever thought possible.

Life has so many unexpected things and if you fight that moment where you don't think you can get air, I promise it will be worth it. I have fought so many breaths while praying it was my last my entire life. If I had given up, I wouldn’t be able to jam with Mic in the car, feel the authentic love I get from my amazing son who never forgets to let me know he loves me. I wouldn’t be experiencing all the amazing things I have coming my way.

I preach and I preach and some days I can’t take my own advice, but I will never stop sharing it or saying it. If we are close, acquittances or no longer close know I'm always rooting for you. I will always be here no matter what or where we stand. If we’ve ever been close in any way, I want you to accomplish all your dreams and have an amazing life filled with happiness. I’m learning that I push people away and become nasty so that they will walk away. Because maybe if I ruin things first, I won’t hurt as much because I have the control when it happens. There are so many people I miss that I was cruel to, and I hope they know no matter what that I am always here. Unfortunately, it’s a coping mechanism for me. I'm working on becoming the best me and I will never stop that fight regardless of what anyone thinks. When I hurt you during these situations know I am truly sorry, and I miss you.

My Sunshine,

Thanks for being you and loving every single piece of me. Thank you for believing in me no matter what happens. I love you