Here comes the fight

The brain is such an interesting but complicated organ. The amount of damage it can withstand and not die; the amount of data it remembers. It's astounding, the good and bad habits. The brain is connected to everything. Old habits that feel impossible to break, new habits you make a priority to be a better you. I’ve mentioned this before, but most habits and beliefs are created before a child turns 5. I can’t even remember much around that age, and this is something that is always in the back of my head when it comes to raising Eddie. If you constantly have this in the back of your mind you will second guess things you do. I will never stop fighting to be healthy but this fight will never lose, bar guy has already proved that not all men hurt woman.

Things are progressing with bar guy but at this moment I have no idea where it is going. Choosing to be present and enjoy every second we get to spend with him. When my dad called the other day, he asked if things had progressed at all; and this amazing man (lord how did I get so lucky) took the phone and said “I don’t want to make any promises to them that I can’t keep. Her ex broke so many promises and I can’t do that too.” He genuinely doesn’t want to hurt us and wants to take everything into consideration; he’s never been with a single mom or been a parent figure. I’d rather him take it slow than completely shatter us.

He is slowly getting through walls and earning my trust. He doesn’t expect it right away and listens when I talk. The last few days my old habits from my marriage are creeping up and I am fighting so damn hard to not let them become a part of whatever this is. We don’t live close so we see each other on the weekends. Not seeing him during the week is good because we both have our own lives; were remaining independent. He doesn’t blow my phone up like my ex did. All good things that I am grateful for but things my brain thinks are red flags. There were always other woman, deleted conversations, and lies in my past relationships. Re teaching my brain to feel out new situations and not jump to conclusions is so damn hard but today I realized it’s getting easier and easier.

This man and me can talk for hours and still have more to talk about. He genuinely enjoys spending his time with us and makes me so damn happy. This last weekend was a big one for us; he met Cis who also really likes him. We went and picked up Eddie from Cis house after celebrating his birthday and when we got there Eddie ran up and hugged him so hard around the neck. He was just as happy to see him as I am when he comes over. He went to leave Sunday like he always does (Damn weekend ending) and Eddie said please don’t leave, so he said buddy I have to work I’ll be back. Eddies response was okay, but I love you.

Neither of us expected this and it was a happy shock. Watching these two has been such a blessing. They both are learning to navigate with each other and it’s teaching me a lot about who I am as a person. I’m learning to let the rains lose a little with Eddie and allow him to be his own person. I’m learning to let someone help me even when I want to say no. We both miss him when he isn’t here so much, but it makes the weekend more enjoyable when he is around.

Eddie asks for him almost every day now, wanting to know why he isn’t home. I’ve explained he doesn’t live here and well see him on the weekends. Edward knows who his dad is and will never not know. Thank goodness he makes sure there is never confusion on that subject. I didn’t even have to say it today and Eddie said momma “Bar guy (Maybe someday you’ll know his name) isn’t my dad, but I still love and miss him lots”. I don’t plan on letting this man go anywhere but I also am enjoying figuring out everything before we complicate it more with a title. Being present is the most amazing and enjoyable thing right now. His outlook is the same; I got this text the other day. “I think no matter what, I was meant to meet you at a specific time. Since I’ve met you, I’ve seen you come to life more and more and it’s a beautiful thing.” I feel alive and like I am finally finding me again. No matter what I will forever be grateful to this man because he already has changed my life in waves. I’ll try to write more again but life is busy and it’s harder to write when you are so present.

I know what we deserve now, and we will NEVER settle for anything less again. Be present and trust; you never know who you’ll walk into. We make each other better and I haven't smiled this hard in so long. Time to fall and stop fighting the fall but fighting like hell to break the old habits.