Healing Will Win

Today I was disappointed in myself. I fell back into old habits and snapped at someone who didn't deserve it. I realized today that no matter what healing I do or how guarded I am; people are still going to hurt me. People lie to make you think that things are a different way. I have been made to look like a complete dumbass lately, especially today. I tried and tried to defend someone because I loved them. I ignored every red flag and lied about events that happened.

Being married to a narcissist nearly broke me. Today I realized even though I left him and don't want to be with him I was still allowing him to affect me emotionally. I let him manipulate me into thinking we had to be friends for my son's sake. While he slowly took more and more jabs at me. He went as far as to threaten to have his parents take me to court and that if I didn't answer his calls our son would grow up the way I never wanted him to.

That no matter what I would be his best friend..... Best friends don't cheat on you and break every vow ever taken. Best friends don't lie and manipulate you. I wasn't a friend or wife; I was a toy to play his sick mind games with. The crazy thing is I've known this since before I left him. I wanted so badly to be wrong and make my family work that I ignored it for too long. Built him up to anyone who would listen making him sound like someone who truly loved me.

All I've wanted is to be loved, and enough. I am fully aware I am one hard girl to love and deal with. I have so much trauma that haunts me like a ghost. But I am trying my hardest and I will love you even with all your flaws. I will no longer apologize for leaving him and picking my son and me. The worst part is now I have to sit back and watch him destroy the one thing I fought so hard for. The one person who is my constant and has kept me going when I wanted to throw in the towel. I have to allow my son to see how terrible his father truly is and hope I can pick up the pieces when he does.

Since having my son the amounts of healing I have done is incredible. I'm going to try to give myself some slack because even though I allowed him to manipulate me I would have dealt with the situation different in the past. I would have given into the argument and ruined my whole day. Let him call me names and throw in my face how I left him. I would have begged for him to take me back like I did last time.

The fact that I have self worth now and am breathing through tonight instead of letting it destroy me is a miracle. I know some people will think this post is too personal or rude; but I am done hiding the terrible things he did to me. The terrible things he put me through. This is my blog and if you are in a toxic relationship please reach out. You aren't alone and it is possible to walk away. It is possible to realize that you are worth so much more. It took me a long time but I know now that Edward will be better off with a mom who isn't manipulated by a terrible man than two parents that pretend the past didn't happen. I am a survivor and this is what me blog is about.