Give Yourself The Credit

I have Ketamine Friday and I seriously can't wait; don't get me wrong I'm doing good. I am beyond blessed and have truly amazing people in my life. The thing is, no matter how happy you are and good things are going the past and darkness can always creep in at anytime when it wants to.

Other than my usual self stuff I haven't been struggling except with Eddie. Oh my sweet boy that I begged so hard for. I have never met anyone as stubborn as this kid...... When he wants something he won't stop till he gets it and I KNOW one day this is going to benefit him but god dammit right now it sucks. I'm trying to find a balance between not feeling like an ass hole and not letting him walk all over me. I knew he'd be a little off this week because he saw his dad but I'm already so damn exhausted.

I am so damn tired of taking care of everyone else, and people wonder why I let things I need slip away. I have 3 people depending on me on a regular basis and it draining. Anyways, I know for damn sure I've made strides even in the last 3 months and lately I feel like I'm the only one celebrating them or noticing them. I made strides this last week and I wanted to scream from the rooftops about it but instead felt dumb for even being proud of myself.

I learned a lot lately; that no matter how many people you have YOU have to be the one to credit yourself. You have to be the one who says F**** it and scream and laugh because you are someone different than you ever thought you'd be. You don't need anyone else to notice or say anything about it. So instead of feeling like a failure tonight and trying to figure everything out I'm going to finish cleaning and dance around the house because I am a new Haley and that matters. Even if it's the slightest change like letting my Ex's girlfriend spend a lunch with my son without me there.

I have to trust that I can protect him and be strong enough when he comes home to me like I have been my entire life. Just like no one praised me for living through sex trafficking or abuse, no one is going to celebrate the victories I need celebrated. So I'm going to because god dammit I deserve to celebrate my new life and the new me because she is quite breathtaking.