Getting Over The Hurdles

We all dream of the perfect healthy relationship. The happily ever after we all grew up with in our fairy tales, but than for most of us the toxic ones happen. Each toxic and failed relationship chips away at you more and more till you're a locked box. Some of us were locked boxes before any of that chipping started, at least that was the case for me.

I had some extremely toxic relationships, and some of the events from those relationships came from my own toxic traits. Because we all have them, and even if you fight and work through you demons they can rear up at anytime.

I left a very toxic marriage, that was fought for way longer than it should have been. If I had walked away before I did my life would be so different. BUT I don't know if I'd have Eddie so I'm grateful I didn't. After I left that relationship I worked hard, so damn hard on me as a person. My toxic traits, battles, past and future. I learned to be okay with who I was and being alone. I learned that I was worthy of love and that as long as I loved myself I was content no matter where my life went because when I left my marriage I was so broken.

Than right after I became content I walked into a bar and met this man. This man who was patient and pushed me to open my box so that he could show me that I am lovable and I deserve to be treated the way I treat other people. We are going on 6 months as of February and we haven't had a blow up. I'm not saying we haven't had our trials because we have but it's been fairly easy.

This last little bit my depression and past has creeped up on me. I keep thinking he's going to leave us and that it's too good to be true. That he's going to see the flaws and realized he made a terrible terrible mistake picking me. If I wasn't enough for anyone else in the past how can I be enough for him.....

We've both been married and have given someone our all and been left with nothing but broken pieces. Were both terrified to get ourselves back in those situation. As I'm sitting at work today it hit me, I don't care how hard it gets. I don't care what it takes I want to fight for this no matter what comes at us. I have built this scenario in my head because of my past events. When I see him this weekend...... I am going to run and just wrap my arms around him and tell him how much I love him. How much he means to me and how we need to be present. I push and I push because of my age and where I want my future to go and I need to remember that not everyone is like me. Not everything needs to be figured out right now.

So breathe and be patient with the healthy but new relationships. Communicate no matter how uncomfortable it is because you can't fight for something if it's never talked about. Breathe and trust that this person you chose to be your person has also chose you to be theirs. Let go of the person who was unsure of you. Stand up for your worth and be with the one who is sure of you. For the one who loves you.

I made Darren a book with songs I put in a playlist for us and then wrote little paragraphs of why that song made me think of us. Than I posted pictures and wrote notes inside on blank pages. One of the days I wrote him a note I realized I was done holding back and not giving him 100% just because my ex hurt me. I was done not giving him my all because he deserved my all. He deserved to not have to pay the repercussions of my exes doings. I just need to remember this on the days where I want to run and shut down because loving this man and this relationship is terrifying.

I made this TikTok in the middle of a breakdown and as sad as it is, it helped me let go of so much of the pain and fear from my ex. So here's to giving Darren my all because I love him with every piece of me.