Genuine Happy Day

My brain is everywhere like my emotions. My dad moved and I took it harder than I thought I would. Eddie screamed on the way home, and I finally broke down. I feel so inadequate and alone right now. I already feel like a failure not being with his dad and being one person when he deserves so much more. Now one out of the three men he has is 3 hours away.

I’m so Damn tired emotionally and physically. My therapist and I are working on keeping me replenished so that my energy and motivation is mine not anyone else’s. If you know me that is not something I do well. I will fill someone’s cup up even if I didn’t have my cup filled in the first place. I will give anyone whatever they need and not ask for anything in return.

I don’t have a choice it’s who I am, and honestly I wouldn't change it. I will never stop being there for other people even when I'm struggling with my own issues. Fighting for my own life, stepping up, going to the wall for others, never saying a word or complaining about what I’m losing. I don’t need to be remembered for my struggles, I want to be remembered for loving unconditionally, making people smile, or giving someone hope when they feel like they have nothing left.

Since feeling the pain from my dad moving the dull pain from my ex has started to disappear. I’m finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s crazy how many people see my light when I don’t. I’m not ready for a relationship but the number of men who think I am breathtaking and worth so much is insane. In the last 24 hours I have been called “Classy Sexy, Stunning, Kind, the best mom they have ever seen” and so much more. When I was called Classy Sexy, he followed up with “You are the kind of girl you don’t sleep with in the car after the bar, you're the girl you take home.” To some this may not be a compliment, but it was to me.

Therapy is going great, and I am making progress in ways I wasn’t with my last therapist. He was amazing, but we aren’t digging up my past so much anymore. We’re looking at what’s happening now and going from there. I finally had the energy to clean and get ready yesterday. I’m going to enjoy this weekend and take in every moment.

Allow myself to spend time with bar guy and be me. I can’t keep pushing people away. He’s made it very clear that we are friends first over anything physical and he will be there anytime I need him. No expectations other than to just be and to have fun. We hold on conversations all day and he made me smile so big yesterday. Live in the moment because if I hadn’t let go yesterday, I wouldn’t have gotten that genuine smile or self-love. It was a rough day because it was my stepson’s birthday and he never responded to me and instead of letting it destroy me I remembered that I could love him from a distance and it’s time to let go unless he decides he wants to be a part of my life.

This last month I’ve learned so much and made so much progress. I feel myself coming back from the dark place my ex and the situation put me in. I’m putting Eddie and me first no matter what. I am letting my ex go and I really hope this new woman is what he needs, and he can be different with her. I want every single person I have ever crossed paths with to genuinely be happy because life is too damn short to be anything else. I’ve felt so many dark and painful thing that I hope no one ever feels that way regardless of their past and mistakes.

Love yourself even on the dark days. Fight because it’s worth it, no matter how much it takes from you. This last month is the worst I have been in a long time. If it wasn’t for Edward, I would have given up. God, I wanted to die and stop breathing so bad…... If I had given up, I wouldn’t have felt the way I felt yesterday or giggled with Eddie before bed. Thank you for the people who gave me a reason to stay alive other than Eddie. It's a good feeling to have more than just my sweet boy.

I guess what I’m saying is love yourself. I know it’s easier said than done, hell I wish I could do everything I preach. If you’re doing your best, it will eventually be so damn good.

Adding two photos because I felt beautiful and had a genuine smile .