Floating

Ketamine is a very complex thing. I have not had one experience that was the exact same; I do get help every time regardless of how I feel after. Today I feel completely empty and sad; like I’m kinda here floating through life. There was a lot happening before my most recent infusion. I have to keep reminding myself that this booster wasn’t just healing the older pathways or the few bad things that have happened; it was healing all the pain I’ve been feeling the last couple months. All the hits and waves that made me feel like I could barely keep that breathe coming.

Even with feeling like staying in bed all day I got up and pulled myself together. Working from home has made being depressed and lazy my new routine. Not getting ready pulls on my confidence and mental health. I am also cooking dinner today so were going to have an actual dinner. Not sure what else we will do today since the air is straight inversion and smoke but it will be a good day no matter what it takes.

The universe sure is testing my patience and all-around life right now. Let’s be real when is it not but Eddie has been on one since my dad moved; more than just being 3. Than I get hit with surprises...... I decide to move and start new and bar guy walks into my life. Aspen gets engaged. Westerner with Ambre and our crazy wine nights. Visiting Mic and pushing each other to get what we deserve. All these things happening that I don't want to miss because I'm so far away. I’ve been setting boundaries and making decisions for us; maybe that’s why though. It’s a test for me to decide for me and not to please everyone else. There is a lot going on and a lot of change coming but even with all the unknown I know for a fact that I will make the right decision and we will be okay. I’ve gotten this far so nothing is going to stop me from getting to the finish line.

My next booster is already scheduled before I normally would because of all the month September entails. Sometimes I have a couple of good days. Then everything hits; it hurts to talk, to love, to be or to out right exist. Existing is so hard at times but no one wants to be a part of that version of me. We all have our ways of coping with everything, our very own acts of survival. Our own ways for staying alive when we're in too much pain to feel anything at all. It all makes sense now, it’s not about life in a whole but about getting through each and every day. I hope one day it will be more than that but right now I’m just going to fight this fight as long as it takes.