Flip of a Switch

It's crazy how tiny little things can make you feel like a new person. Tiny little things like doing your hair or nails can make you feel better. My amazing Mic kept telling me the whole time I talked to Becca that I needed to cut the webs and become my own person. I did, I finally cut her off and started becoming Haley without that trauma bond.

Eddie started therapy and we decided until his sisters behavior gets better she will only have contact over the phone...... I know this is going to kill all of us. It is going to be a rough adjustment and it's going to break her.... Everytime I talk to her she talks about how much she wants to come to Idaho and live with us. The last time she was here she said a ton of things to Eddie that have been causing a lot of confusion and frustration with him. He doesn't understand a lot of stuff and the things she says to him are only causing more behavioral issues. I fought for this little girl so long and kept negative things in my life for her but it's time to put Eddie first. I have tried so damn hard to counter the bad behavior she's learned at home and it's finally gotten to the point where I have to put my hands up no matter how much I love her.

I went to Utah without eddie this weekend and had Haley time and it came at the right time. I have ketamine this Friday but having time to think in between going to activities and driving like I use to was so needed. I went dancing with my girls and had a relaxing night that was filled with tears and laughter. I got my hair done saturday and no matter how silly this is....... It was a way of getting the rest of Becca out of my life. I finally got the stick in the martini glass so we don't have matching tattoos anymore. Finally went back to my old hairdresser and am going blonde again. Than I hung out with a guy I met when I was 18 and let me tell you how amazing it was to not have a guy try to get in my pants. To just want to be friends and hang out. We laughed and watched movies, when he went to bed I went and hung out with my sister Jen and my girls baby Xae and Mystery. We laughed and had so much fun. God damn I miss all my people. It's the hardest part of being in Idaho.

Sunday I covered up my tattoo of my Ex husbands writing. Between this and my hair in a silly way I feel like I finally got my power back and cut all the webs from that crazy circle. Some people are like oh my Haley you have the weirdest ways of coping but you know what it works for me. I picked a rose for multiple reasons:

1. It was large enough to cover it

2. Roses have thorns, like my mental issues and my abusive marriage

3. Finally the rose. Representing Beauty, that I was able to walk away from not only my abusive marriage but also from that toxic relationship I had with Becca and all the trauma i've dealt with.

I left my friends house and something clicked; I felt like a new person in a way. I have no idea what is was or what is coming from it but it's going to be good. I know i'll still have my moments but that something I've accepted living with mental issues but I'm okay with it. I don't miss Darren anymore and finally feel at peace with that. Deleted all my dating profiles and am just focusing on me and my little man. It's making me feel uplifted and so motivated. I am going to be getting my motorcycle licence and am learning to use my gun. After my tattoo heals my dad and I have a gym schedule so we both can feel better.

I will never stop fighting for the life we deserve and lot this little man to have everything he ever dreams of. To love myself again and continue being the woman I deserve and know I can be. One thing abuse and trauma give you is fight like no other, it got stronger when I had eddie to keep me going but these last couple days it's like a fire was lit in my chest again. Keep fighting no matter what and do what you need even if it's silly like covering a tattoo or dying your hair.