Feeling Some Kind Of Way

On top of all the emotional roller coaster I've been dealing with my self-confidence has tanked. I'm pretty smart and can figure things out if I really focus but damn this new job is killing me. Props to anyone who just naturally understands finance because it is a Bitch. I'm the kind of learner who does better with hands on learning so that I can relate the concepts with experiences. The learning I am doing right now involves reading, quizzes, lectures and more quizzes.

I learned recently that mental abuse can actually cause physical brain damage. Having high levels of cortisol constantly pumping through our veins for an extended period of time can actually have a physically damaging effect on our brains. It can shrink and deteriorate our hippocampus, which is in charge of our learning and our memory. Swell our omegala which is our reptilian brain, which plays a role in our emotional memory and flight or fight response. So pretty much this means that people with this experience are always in a highly reactive state. Our short-term memory is shot. This knowledge explains a lot of why I am the way that I am emotionally along with always running. But it also explains why learning new things has been so damn hard for me.

I've been more kind to myself since learning this. It has opened so many doors for reflection on myself. Today I was at my wits end though, I was ready to turn in the towel and find a new job. Maybe just maybe my ex was right, I wasn't ever going to figure things out or be enough. I had a meeting with one of the trainers who thankfully gave me drive back. Then the rest of the day was fantastic. I was in an incredible mood blasting Mic's playlist of songs she sent me (seriously best music ever). Dancing no matter how funny I looked. I felt free and like I could breathe again. I can tell the Ketamine is working a ton, but I also can tell the work I’m putting in is also helping.

I start therapy again Wednesday with a new therapist and I can already tell we are going to get some work done. I am finding a psychiatrist to make sure my meds are properly controlled and continue my personal growth and Ketamine as needed. I'm excited but nervous to get back into therapy..... Until I went inpatient, I hadn't really looked at my sexual encounters as a coping mechanism. When it was suggested that I should add that on my list I was dumbfounded, angry and shocked. Once I was able to get out of a reactive state, I really leaned into it. I made damn sure I didn't get pregnant before I got married because I didn't want my kids having the life my son now has. I was considered the "good girl"; quiet and well behaved. Learning this made me feel like all of that was a lie until I listened and learned instead of assuming I was right.

When I was 16 I had sex for the first time and now that I look back for years I had continued on that cycle no matter how dangerous or toxic it got for me. I've been really good at not falling into this pattern since my most recent split with my ex. I'm content alone and have definitely slept with people since we split. They were all people I had been with minus my rebound guy who ended up falling in love with me (always a risk to everything you do). Until Saturday..... I went to a bar and brought a guy home. I've only ever done that once in my life before. It taught me so much though.... I still have work to do but I've also came so damn far. I love myself and can be alone but also trust myself enough to hold my boundaries and keep myself safe. I know most of you don't want to hear about my sex life and I’m sorry for that but this was huge revelation for me.

I am still growing while accepting that some of the things I do don't make me a bad person. The first time my ex and I split I slept with someone who I don't think I'll ever fully lose feelings for. No matter how hard I try I miss him so damn much all the time. That man changed my life but I'm also grateful we aren't in each other’s lives anymore. No matter how much I miss him, we would have slowly destroyed each other’s lives. My ex made me feel so disgusting for sleeping with someone; according to him that was worse than getting in a committed relationship right after a divorce because I gave my body to someone else. This still stings so much but the cool thing about being healthy is I can feel the sting than let it go because it is his opinion; doesn't mean that is who I am.

I'm not going to continue down this hole of sleeping around and definitely address is it in therapy, but I also am allowed to let someone in; even if it's just physical for a night. This in no way shape or form makes me a bad person.

P.S. He wasn't a bad guy and is very kind. I was completely safe and didn’t put myself in danger. I won't be talking about sex again unless I have another revelation.