Everything you say matters

I've learned a lot from my trauma, the biggest thing is that a lot of the negative beliefs we have are established before the age of 5. That is so crazy, kids are just starting to learn things at that age. I'm a very stern mom, and expect a lot from my kids. Sometimes to a fault. I'm the mom that yells a lot; which until recently I thought made me a terrible mom.

Lately when I get frustrated I pause and think before I react. I have been more gentle with my kids, constantly reminding them how truly amazing they are. Knowing that the things I say and do will have 100% effect on who they become. This scares me but also is making me a better mom. Their inner voice becomes what we say to them, what we say to ourselves.

I am a mess of chaos constantly and still don't know how to manage my emotions. It is so important to remember that they are just as confused with emotions as I am. They are humans with even less certainty than I have. I know I am not a perfect mom and will still have so many mistakes I will make over the years but today I am grateful for my mental health. I am grateful for the intense therapy I have done because my kids will be healthier because of it.

It's still a balancing act that I just started to figure out. Teaching them to be good people while still validating how they feel. I am a mom trying to repair myself and not ruin my kids in the process. It may be the hardest thing I ever do but I know for a fact I can do it.

Healing is never done, it is a constant thing that will never stop. Becoming a better person is something you will constantly have to work on. As long as you are willing you will eventually be able to do it a little more gracefully.

Another late night rant.... But seriously think about what you say, the tone of your voice. I have had terrible things said to me that I can still hear like it just happened. Some of these things haunt me worse that the bruises I've received. Verbal abuse is so real and does just as much damage as laying your hands on someone. The things you say, cannot ever be taken back. I also have said some terrible hurtful things that I wish with everything in me I could take back. But I can't, so instead I am going to learn from it and make a change.