Every Single Thing Has A Process For A Reason

I found this post in my drafts so not sure why it didn't get posted but here we go.

Every event leads to moments and emotions. You don't just wake up angry for no reason. Your heart doesn't break for the fun of it. Once the anger and heartbreak subside there is always another step or emotion on stand by waiting. I use to think that everything around me caused me to feel the way I was actually choosing to feel. Some of that statement is true. Letting people in leaves you vulnerable and you get hurt. Situations cause feelings and reactions. It is absolutely possible for someone else to be in control of your emotions for a while. It's up to you after that initial rush of emotion if you will continue to feel that way.

I went from completely numb and broken to panic. It took a matter of 5 minutes to take me from a night where I was happy to so emotionally distressed I was throwing up. Than I was in desperate fight mode like I had been my entire life. I did everything I could do to be the person I thought I had to be to make the feeling of worthlessness go away. I was holding on to a bouie praying I would be enough and be pulled from the water.

Than when I finally fell back into content, comfortable haley. I had this fake face on when everyone else was around trying to prove that my decisions were right. That I could turn the impossible into possible. But you can't ignore emotions forever, believe me I have tried. They will continually pop up and rear their head till you listen to them. I was choosing to continue feeling miserable because I wanted to be right. I wanted to prove to the world that anything was possible. I wanted to prove to the world that I was enough. What I hadn't realized was staying wasn't proving anything other than that I didn't believe I was enough.

EMDR has brought up so many memories.... Not just from my childhood but even a couple years ago. It is absolutely insane how having self respect changes an entire memory. A memory you had explained and built up in your head. Excused by overly defending situations and people. The last two years this one saying has been ringing in my head because I knew it was what I needed to do and instead I fought for the option with no self worth. I should have ran the moment he hesitated between me and someone else. I should have respected myself enough to smile and walk away.

It's never too late though. There is never a point of no return in real life. As long as you stand in your truth it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Love yourself enough that when someone treats you like an option, help them narrow their choices by removing yourself from the equation.

I have so many unknowns right now. I'm going to trust in the now, what is right in front of me.

But what I DO KNOW is that I am a damn good mom with a big heart. I am driven and work hard for the life we have. There are tsunamis that should have killed me and I am still standing so I'm going to breathe these what if's out with every breathe and focus on the now.