Deep Breathes

Man, I felt on top of the world today. Finally, genuinely smiled and enjoyed being present. We played outside and soaked up the sun. It was a good day and if I close my eyes, I can center myself and feel the calm I’ve felt all day. God feeling clear and like myself again is something I will never take for granted.

I accomplished a lot if things today and didn’t crash or fall apart. I blocked my mom and took that step to put myself first. No longer excusing her behavior. Feeling that safety net again now that she can’t contact me. I deleted any playlists associated with Nik. When I was trying to get him back in 2020, I made a playlist of every single song that reminded me how much I loved him. Even named it "finding us again"........ I sent him it at least three times and guess how many times he listened to it, 0. Always having an excuse or reason why he didn't listen to it. Doing all of these things didn’t set me off, they actually made me feel empowered.

Then my sweet Cis called me like we had planned. I knew something was up the minute I answered and heard someone’s voice. She didn’t have any interest in talking to me and Caidence just said hi because Cisna did. Then my ex tried to say they both wanted to talk to me like I’m fucking stupid. The worst part about this is he uses those kids as a weapon against me. His family hates me because I “weaponize” Edward even though they never called or made an effort in the first place; but yet I have a recording of him saying if I didn’t do what he wanted he would make Caidence stop talking to me as a bargaining chip. He called his own child a bargaining chip.

Kids are not bargaining chips. I’ve threatened to take Edward when I was angry and that is something I haven’t done in a long time because 1) it’s out of anger and 2) he is my son not a deal to be made. Now I will absolutely not allow people who don’t make an effort be in his life. Cisna and Caidence knew my dad and Kira before they ever came to visit because they made an effort and called regularly. That’s all it takes; it doesn’t require flying to see him. At least the people who are in his life make an effort. If my dad gets this job, he will be leaving Utah and he is willing to drive back to Utah every single weekend to see him and so their relationship doesn’t suffer. Also, to make sure I am supported being a single mom with not much help.

I took a moment and calmed myself after the phone call with Cis set me off. I took a moment to breathe and remember that I did Ketamine and have control in this situation. I cannot give them the power to take that from me. I worked hard to get where I am and am not going to let him take that away from me. I processed so many things yesterday and accomplished so many things today. So even though I let that phone call set me off; I’m going to focus on the things I did accomplish today.

I let go of these things and processed my past even though my old best friend likes to tell me my past was fictional, and I need help. Sorry but it wasn’t, and you wouldn’t survive a day in my shoes. Be careful what you say to people because it sticks in their head and plays like a bad record. I wish I could stop hearing the shit he says to me but right now I'll look forward to the day I do.

Just have to keep working hard. Focus on the little things like the sunset. Music that makes your soul happy. Best friends who send you snaps of them singing to remind you how strong you are and that you aren’t alone. Edward and I smiled today and genuinely had an amazing evening. I can do hard things and will continue healing while being the best mom possible.