Day 7

Today was a good day. I had a productive day at work than got to spend some quality time with Eddie. Got my budget all set for 2020 and my expense tracker filled out. Really going to push for my goals this year. Take it one day at a time instead of focusing on the end.

Now I'm laying in bed having a panic attack. Before I got discharged from therapy we were working on figuring what I wanted instead of continuing my habit of allowing others to persuade me on what I want. I put others feelings to make them happy which ultimately has determined so many situations I have ended up in. It's so hard not to fall into old habits.

I have a lot to work on; luckily I am getting back into therapy this month. I know a lot of things like; I love my family, I love my tribe, I am beyond blessed when it comes to the people who have came in and out of my life.

I wish the world would be simple with a solution for everything. Like a manual on how to manage life. As I sit here and try to figure out what I need and want. Career, goals, aspirations, travel, and etc. I keep trying to breathe it out but every time I go to take a deep breathe my chest locks up.

I'm gonna attempt to go to bed and hope my anxiety calms down. Not sleeping is finally taking it's toll. No matter what decision or path I end up taking to determine my future. It has to be something I want. Everything I do has to be something I want and not to placate everyone else. Changing your habits and behavior has been one of the hardest things I have ever learned. I still want to scream some days because I don't want to deal with it. I don't want it to have ever been a thing in the first place.

Luckily tomorrow is Tuesday; it may be my long day but I get to see Ambre Wednesday and have the day off. I get to take care of myself and get my brain reset. Dylan gets to spend time with Dylan while Ambre and I are at my Ketamine appointment.

I'm hoping maybe things will calm down again. Less chaotic and make a little more sense. All I know is I can't let the past dictate how I am going to move forward. Take it one day at a time and eventually it will all work out the way it's supposed to.