Clouds are finally fading

I haven’t been this happy in 5 years. Honestly, I never thought I would be here again; but I continued to fight even when I thought I couldn’t manage one more breathe. I was snapchatting Mic yesterday and she responded with “You know, I don’t think I’ve seen you smile this much in a long time”. In that moment I realized having my kid’s back together, all my amazing friends, and having someone like bar guy (who has broken down my walls slowly and made me feel safe again) in my life has made me genuinely happy. I don’t second guess the way people feel about me anymore. I am content with my relationships because they are making me happy. Less anxiety attacks over what people think of me or if they really want to be apart of my life.

I recently realized that as parents we sacrifice so much, especially single parents. I’ve sacrificed so much trying to protect Eddie, especially relationships. Not even just romantic but any kind. Edward isn’t okay with almost anyone and isn’t really a nice kid lately. I know he’s going through a lot of change and he’s 3 but man it opened my eyes. I’ve kept him so close to me because his dad isn’t around, and the way his dad’s family treats him. I wanted to keep him safe from every little thing. He doesn’t like when my friends try to hug him or even talk to him right now. I try not to take the not talk too seriously because he says the same thing to my grandparents.

I’ve always went through phases where I’m with someone 24/7 than it stops for a while and picks up again later. We were at Aspens a ton then stopped, then Ambre’s, Becca’s, and then Mic’s. My dad moved and Cis hasn’t been home. Bar guy has been around a lot lately; it’s crazy how easy and nice it was to just be friends with someone. There are feelings growing past friendship, but it’s been so easy with him. Nothing is rushed or forced; we can sit for hours and talk/laugh.

I’ve been letting go of the past and being present; putting myself first and trying to let Eddie learn to be comfortable in situations I’ve kept him from. One of the biggest reasons I wanted to move (don’t know what is happening with that right now) is because I don’t leave Eddie with anyone but Ambre and my dad. That limits me to what I can do and with who. I have so many people who love him and would watch him in a heartbeat so I could enjoy myself, but I’ve trained him to rely only on certain people.

Lord help me when the time comes but, if I sent Edward to Washington to spend time with his dad right now it wouldn’t end well. He would have a panic attack if I wasn’t there. He would be rude and uncomfortable towards his dad’s family. The old me would have been like well they deserve it for not loving him or making him a priority. No matter how much this still stings they deserve to know him and Edward will see the truth and hopefully it changes and he can rely on them like he does my people. If it doesn’t, he will get to make that realization on his own. He will be a stronger kid for the life he has. I can’t keep beating myself up because we ended up here. As long as he is loved and knows his worth, he will make it through anything. He really comes first, and I can’t protect him from everything. I pray that one day his grandpa and dad’s family will love him but no matter what happens I hope he never finds out that his grandpa refused to even try to get to know him and out right said he wouldn’t. He will be happy and strong regardless of what happens, and I must let him figure it out on his own. He is loved by so many people, so he won’t miss out on anything. He is such an amazing kid; I haven't found one person who doesn't absolutely adore him.

I want him to be a strong and kind man. So, I need to start pushing him and not trying to protect him from a childhood he won’t have. I’ve already been so successful and giving him a life, I never had. My old therapist once said “My mom was one of the best moms I know, and she yelled all the time. That doesn’t make you a bad mom.” This made me feel better because being a bad mom is one of my biggest fears. I’m hard on myself regularly but when it comes to that I will beat myself up for the littlest things. I cry when I drop him off at daycare and he doesn’t want to go; I hate making him sad or uncomfortable. Friends are having to remind me to let him cry it out sometimes because I can’t make him a strong kind man if I raise him in a bubble. I'm grateful for them because not only do they do that; they remind me that my mental health is truly getting better and no matter what I am an amazing mom who puts him first.

Eddie,

I am proud of who you are and can’t wait to see the amazing future you have. Remember no matter what momma pretty loves you. So does so many people. You have the world at your. feet and will make something amazing out of your life.

Love Momma