Body Image

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRp8nSfNKvo

I go through these moments where I absolutely hate myself. Moments where I can't even look in the mirror without cringing. I've always been told I was a specific way and when I feel like I'm losing that reputation I feel like I'm sinking.

For me body image isn't a number off a scale. It's how round, or large I get. Lately I feel like I look bloated all the time no matter what I do. I know I'm almost 30 and my metabolism is going to slow down but god dammit I'm not ready.

I have made immense progress but the effects from my earliest memory effect me. From my mom to my exes. I never felt enough, because if I was enough then why would the things they did happen?

I am dating the most amazing man I could have ever prayed for. He is so patient with me and my past. I got upset two times since being with him because I just don't feel enough for anyone lately. We were in my room talking and I looked at him and said.... "I can't not be enough for someone again. I can't handle it, I tried so hard to be enough for (ex husband) and no matter what I did it wasn't enough. So if I'm not going to be enough for you please walk away now. Because I can't do it again." In that moment I fully expected and prepared myself for him to walk out of my room and leave. I'm messy, my brain is straight up hell, I can trust and then one day it's gone for no reason. I know this about me and don't hide it. To my surprise this man.... Grabbed me, held me while I finally let out the fear and emotions I had let build up for a while. He looked at me and said "Haley, I love you. If I didn't want to be here I wouldn't be."

You hear constantly about how if you hate your body you have a eating disorder. I don't believe this because I don't have one but I struggle with every aspect of my body. When you are told you have to be a certain way and you start to slip from that it's a hard hit to deal with. Than when you put 100% into loving someone and trusting them with who you are as a person fully and you find out you weren't enough so they seeked others while holding you hostage in this cage of worthlessness. Where you felt like you would never be enough and you couldn't do anything right.

I'm finally out of that cage and now just battling the stare down I have with myself and who I am on the outside. Because I KNOW I am beautiful, I know I have a good body that some people pray and work hard for. But loving it just because it's this way easily isn't easy.

So.... I am learning to give myself grace on my bad days. Continue working on my goals and striving to be a better person. If I could put the kindness and grace I give others to myself and ignore all the evil I was taught is me I could get so far. I just have to keep fighting like hell to unlearn it and make all my dreams come true.