Boat is rocking, keep it steady because I'm not done yet

Thursday is Ketamine and holding on till then is only getting harder. It sucks even admitting that I need a Ketamine infusion so soon after the last. But also makes me grateful because I am aware down to a T of what I need when I start crashing. After my last Ketamine treatment my world fell out from under me quicker than I could even blink. If I hadn’t just had a booster, I would be even deeper in a hole.

I am finally getting back into therapy (God I hate insurance sometimes). I have continued taking my medications. The zoning out and anxiety is a whole other thing I will eventually deal with. Although I’ve just accepted that when certain situations repeat themselves and being a single mom with minimal sleep you can’t 100% avoid seizures. It’s just a thing you live with, like my mental health.

I was raised with mentally unstable people, to the point the state should have stepped in. Because of this I had a very dark view on mental health for a long time. I wouldn’t accept that I needed help out of fear of being “broken”. It didn’t help that this world has such a negative view on mental health. What people don’t realize is that we don’t enjoy being this way. We’d give anything to make it stop.

My brain is negative and messed up; the things it comes up with at a whim would scare people. Hell it scares me..... It takes so much energy to shut it down and try to get it to calm and think about anything else. I did a type of therapy called EMDR, it helps you relive and work through memories your brain has repressed. I recently saw a movie called wildflower on amazon prime that is the best representation of what it is like to have one of those flashbacks that I have ever seen.

It isn’t just an image in your head that you squeeze your eyes closed till it goes away. You can physically feel what you felt in that moment. Today I put Cisna on a plane alone to go see her dad. My chest was so tight on the way out of the airport that I felt like I was going to pass out. Some people call me an empath because I feel so deeply. I wish for a second, I could be a freakin robot like my ex and just live life not feeling anything, so you aren’t accountable for anything.

Some people look at my mental health as a superpower and others use it as a weapon. Which is bull shit (excuse my language). Every single person that judges me or tries to throw it in my face; I wish for one day you could be in my shoes and deal with my past and damn brain. When I was told my ex cheated, I had flashes of him in the act and to this day still do. No matter what I did I couldn’t get the images out of my head. Since EMDR and unlocking my repressed memories everything is painful. Just like the memories my brain is a cruel tool.

Everyone who genuinely cares are trying to remind me that I cannot control everything and some things I have to just breathe and work through. God, I wish it was that easy, because than maybe I wouldn’t be so emotional. The way my brain works though makes that almost impossible. It thinks non stop about the scenario, replaying over and over like those annoying songs that get stuck in your head.

You know when you are sick and nauseous and will do anything you possibly can to avoid throwing up; but eventually it always wins, and you get sick. That’s how my brain works except sometimes I am able to shut it down. Most of the time though, it is a constant war. Lately it’s been turning into anger and not so much sadness. Lately I will sit there and stare at the wall and look like I’m just having a seizure but inside my head I am screaming and breaking every hypothetical mirror that exists there. On the outside I am like a brick wall that won’t break, that video where I am crying to the point where I can’t breathe..... God I need a cry like that so bad right now but no matter how hard I try I just seem to be able to cry minimal tears and then bam I am a brick wall again.

It is second nature in this generation to judge everyone for everything they do. I’m guilty of this and it drives me crazy when I catch myself doing it. When I was younger, I read a blog about a mom who lost her daughter. She used to judge people who went into public who didn’t get dressed and look homeless in public. Once she lost her daughter so no longer had the drive to live let alone get dressed. What was the point of getting dressed or making yourself look nice when she was living, and her baby wasn’t? This not only woke her up but stuck with me from a young age.

You cannot possibly know what is happening in someone else’s life. Most people look at me and think there is no way that girl has had the things happen to her that have. I have seen so many jaws drop when people find out about my past.

I am who I am because of the things that happened to me. I am the way that I am because I survived things that would have killed most people. I am working really hard to work through this anger that is running my body right now. I realized today that a lot of it stems from my brain repeating things people say over again like memories. Recently a person has thrown my mental health in my face multiple times saying I need help and my past is fictional. This hurts worse than being cheated on. You trust someone with your darkest thoughts in order to seek help and work things out; but in the end you realize no one really cares because it really just provides ammo when the truth that they didn’t love you or even like you comes to the surface. God I loved this person so much and to know they look at me and all of that information like that is like stabbing me. Using my mental health against me and throwing things I’ve trusted with you in my face is one of the worst things you can do to hurt me; especially when it comes to my trauma and mental health.

But just like the woman who lost her baby, be patient with me and others. You have no idea what wars we are fighting, even if they are in our own head. Be kind always, even the worst of people deserve it.