Another Lesson

This last little bit I’ve been up in my head and it’s starting to take a toll on aspects of my life again. I’ve had to remind myself it is normal to have bad times, people who don’t have severe trauma still have bad times. It doesn’t mean I’m falling apart again.

This week I lost it and instead of remembering I’m not in a toxic relationship anymore,

I reacted as if I was. BUT, for the first time in my entire life I was met with open arms and a calm conversation. I’ve cried and been destroyed in front of someone and ended up feeling like I was crazy and reacting. I’m aware I'm an incredibly hard person to love, especially when I get in my head and don’t feel like enough or that I’ll ever be. Let me tell you, being held and feeling and seeing that I was understood even though my reaction wasn’t the nicest changed my life.

I was balling and he just held me while talking me down. He heard what I was saying and explained everything, and we worked through it. I have no idea if we will make it and be together forever but I sure as hell am going to fight for that to be the end result. The fact that he can tell me something I need to work on, and it does not turn into a fight or make me feel like I’m being attacked has shown me we aren’t just in a relationship we are striving to make each other better people.

He met my friend Aspen this weekend; I was terrified because she is such a huge part of my life, and she hated my ex. After the night she said: “That is the best behaved I have seen Eddie; Haley he is perfect for you. I’m so glad you have him.” I don’t know why I was so nervous; I haven’t had one person who does not like him. I just don’t want to heart broken again. I've fought like hell to get to where I am and I need to be patient with myself so I don't end up pushing myself back to that toxic place.

I’m the girl who had her wedding planned at 5, the white dress, picket fence, kid’s, a forever love; dancing in the kitchen in our pajamas. To be loved and cared for unconditionally and forever. I crave to be loved so damn bad; so, I go over the top for the ones I love. My next step and goals are to communicate and allow this man to love me. Allow us to continue growing and making the little family we both have always dreamed of. Turning our dreams and goals into reality because we both deserve it, we can't let a good thing slip through the cracks because I'm a little messy.