Always Good In Everything

I have struggled with this breakup more than any of the others and it was making me so damn mad. The most frustrating part was the amount of memories that are popping in my head...... Thanks brain for reminding me all those memories are gone. We went through all that to be strangers again. I've wished and prayed for it to stop. Begged my brain to just give me a damn break.

Today I was driving to work and it hit me after a memory popped in my head. I use to not have any good memories, my disassociation was so bad it blocked my entire past out. Every part including the good things I wanted to remember. Memories weren't a thing for me for almost my whole life.

When I started my intense therapy journey I did some EMDR and damn that brought up some really really painful memories but I also started to get the good ones back. I started retaining more of my current life without it all just disappearing. To most people this is just something that happens but today I realized this means I'm even closer to working through everything.

I am finally not hurting as much and understanding why things went the way they did; well the best I know how. I won't have all the answers but I'm getting more answers now in my life than I ever have in the past. No matter how much these memories hurt, god they sting; I wouldn't trade them for anything because at one point they were the most beautiful feelings or moments and that's worth any pain that came after.

I've made it through so many things....... There were so many times I fell to my knees and never thought I'd be able to get back up again. Wanted to surrender and just let go of everything. It took me getting the strength to rise up off my knees. The courage to chose to do what's best for me no matter how scary it is. It started with moving to Idaho.

I finally feel like I am home and belong somewhere. I smile most of the time, haven't had too many depressive episodes. Taking vitamins that are making me feel so much better. Just overall taking care of me and not just Eddie. I will still sacrifice everything for Eddie but I also deserve to live. To love like hearts don't break; walk the wire of life with my head held high.

Moving to idaho was the first. It put so many things into perspective and made being less angry that everything happens the way it's supposed to. Trusting isn't something I do well regardless of people or what I'm doing. It's something Darren helped me with. He taught me so much and brought so much into my life before the pain came. I will forever be grateful for that because it will be one of those lessons I will always hold close to me.

Now enough rambling about me. Eddie, damn this kid is something else. He beats to his own drum and always is making everyone laugh. He's having his adjustments here and we are on waiting lists for therapy so that's just a waiting game at this point. He loves his new daycare and already has 3 friends on our street and more at school/daycare. He will be going to school at his daycare so not too many changes in that way for him. He has slept in his room for 4 nights all night; one of which didn't wake up once. He still asks about Darren and is trying to piece that all together but I'm letting him work through that in his own way. Darren was and always will be such a huge part of his life and I will never take that away from him. He loves having not only my dad but Jess around and is my happy boy most of the time. Moving to Idaho was one of the best decisions we made.