Allowing The Fall

So far being off two of my mental health meds has been good. Still level and staying steady, being able to use my tools is keeping me steady. I am still crying when I feel emotions that are strong; but instead of crashing or acting off them I am taking breathes. Thinking about everything, every Damn thing. Noticing waves even if it’s just energy; like I’m able to when someone I love isn’t doing well and somehow, I just know.

Today was one of those days where I could just tell by the air that there was a lot of emotion going on everywhere I turned. Strong and scary energy; I wanted so bad to run so many times today. Jump into my old habits and instead of breathing through the feelings like I always do. I am so healthy, probably the healthiest I’ve ever been. I got here on my own….. Other people make me happy for sure, but I fought so hard to get past all the pain to wake up happy and content with who I am. Not just my life and the things that come with it; but to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with who I am.

In learning all these new thing’s while also navigating how to be free while guarded. Contradicting, I know. Would it be a part of me if it wasn’t complicated though? I have completely opened myself up to Darren, trying to do this love thing right this time. By doing this and allowing myself to be me without purposely dragging the past into the present; I have made strides. But still guarding myself so that if it does come crashing I can get back up and not ruin all the progress I've made. Tonight, a conversation came up that wasn’t even close to a bad one; BUT my brain tried to jump and react or run instead of really being present and looking at all angles. I’ve been hurt by so many dang people that my soul and body assume it’s just going to happen.

I don’t know a lot about healthy relationships, but I do know you have to choose your partner every day. If you don’t choose them or fight to keep the spark alive it will eventually burn it out. Every single conversation must happen, from dumb to terrifying. I have no idea if Darren will be my forever, just like I had no idea my ex wasn’t but that doesn't mean I can't be open while still keeping my heart safe. I have no idea what tomorrow brings let alone the next second, but I do know I would regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t fight for this not only to work and be amazing but to be healthy. You can allow the fall and take the risk while still being safe and keeping your heart close.

I was so scared to let Darren in, luckily, he knew from the second he met me he was going to have to be patient. I had accepted it was just going to be Eddie and me because at least we were happy. Then I met him, and everything was so easy…. Conversations, spending time together, how Eddie reacted when he met him, how much he fit in with the family, and the way I feel when he's around. No matter what is going on the minute that man wraps his arms around me I feel safe. Instead of being terrified I’m going to mess this up or not be happy in the end; I’m going to continue taking it slow because I deserve this. I deserve to be happy and present and God Dammit I deserve to be loved the right way. I deserve Darren as much as he deserves me. I deserve to let go because I love this man with every fiber I have in me.It is possible to let go while still being cautious.