A very hard step

I don't remember a time where I wasn't depressed. I can remember being on the bus before 8 years old and talking about killing myself. It's always been an option in my mind, a lot of my past is a big black hole. Some memories surface and some hide. I remember hiding knifes under my pillow before 8, I remember being sexually and mentally abused. I remember my mom being in and out of our lives. I remember drugs, manipulation and lies.

I don't think I have ever had a time in my life where I wasn't easily manipulated or led to believe, think or act a certain way. Because of this I lost my virginity in a very traumatic way that led to a toxic on and off four year relationship. I destroyed myself and a lot of my relationships while with my first boyfriend. I allowed him to convince me I wasn't good enough. That every time he cheated or lied it was because I had done something wrong.

During all of this I was tested for Bipolar Disorder and it came back negative. I make very rash decisions and jump back and fourth a lot. I never have manic shopping sprees or anything like that. I can go from being completely at peace to wanting to die in less than 5 minutes. I still have no idea if what I have is only depression with a crap ton of trauma and PTSD or if I have another mental disorder like Bipolar or personality disorder.

I scheduled an appointment tomorrow to get tested again. See I am an advocate for mental health, if you can't tell by this blog. BUT the effect of my moms bipolar and multi personality disorders caused us to be neglected and put in very dangerous situations. I can not remember the amount of times I was left in a car while my mom was stealing, the amount of times my mom was arrested while we were at the store, the amount of times I was forced to lie to a doctor to get her pills. The other terrible things that happened I am only now starting to get glimpses of.

I never want to be a person who does those things or one who neglects her children because my kids are my entire world. These last few days I have had a ton of time to think..... Like I said in my previous post I still question if leaving my husband was the right decision. I still don't know and I may never know, but what if I do happen to have one of these disorders and that's why my medication isn't working 100%? Maybe that is why I couldn't figure out what I wanted or let anything go. Trust has been broken my entire life. I don't know any different, but tomorrow I am making a huge step not only for me. I want a healthy relationship and marriage. I want to be in love again.

I also realized that being around my family messes with my decision making. I do what ever I think will make them happy. I looked back on when I first left to Washington and how much of a mess my life was here in Utah, and I am back here again. Once I got established in Washington, minus the financial aspect of it; I was happy. I missed home, and my friends but I wasn't as back and fourth as I am in Utah. SO regardless of who I end up with or what I end up doing, I need to move away from my family again. The separation is what is in the best interest of everyone. I don't know if I'll post tomorrow or later. Either way I will be making a post once I know If I am not just a depressed person. Here's to truly and 100% getting better. I cannot let my fear of being like my mom stop be from being who I really am.