A reason to fight a little Harder

I had my 11th Ketamine treatment last week and have been very up and down this week. I am feeling better since having my 11th treatment and after accepting that I need a little more help and that's okay. I started writing a book about PPD and my experiences and looking back before I had my son. My life was a mess that was in a vicious cycle of never improving. I had tried to get out and give up since I was at least 7 years old but was never successful. I never fought for me though, it was always for someone else. I have never viewed myself as someone worth living for. I definitely wasn't continuing a healthy habit by living for others but it kept me here and I am grateful for that everyday. I still struggle to do things for me but it's just a part of who I am. Writing that book and my journey with the difficult process I have been looking back and realizing how lucky I truly am. I had a very difficult pregnancy and dealing with being a mom afterwards. When I was 24 weeks pregnant I went into pre-term labor and thought I was going to loose my little boy. I was laying in the hospital by myself trying to hold the tears back. I had wanted to be a mom my whole life and now it felt like it was slipping through my fingers.

It took everything in me to find the fight I needed to save my baby, and keep going. I knew if I lost my baby I would be gone forever. That would not be something I could come back from and I had already decided if I lost my baby I wouldn't continue living. He finally started kicking again the more I sang to him. "You are my sunshine" will forever be our fight song. I had felt the storm cloud around me and I was drowning. So I did all I could and sang to my baby while praying and hoping we both would be okay. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You never know dear how much I love you, my sweet baby EJ." This simple silly child song kept me going.

PPD probably would have been another thing that would have brought me down if it wasn't for my son. I had no idea anyone could love me so much, or that I could love them so much. I always knew I would be a good mom but doing it is very different than talking about it. My entire life I knew I wanted to be nothing like my mom. I wanted my kids to know I loved them and not have to deal with what we dealt with as children. So far I've done a pretty damn good job at making sure I am the best mom I can possibly be.

Ketamine not only gave me my life back but it gave my little Ej a mom. A mom who can laugh, smile, and play with him. A mom who has a fire in her that she never thought she would have. He has a mom who is living the best life she possibly can, no longer in the past but in the moment. I am no where near perfect and will always have room to grow but looking back on where I was years ago to now is astounding to me. I am able to not only fight like hell for me but for my little human who relies on me to be okay.

I definitely believe in getting better for yourself but getting better for others can't hurt. Before It was my siblings, and than my girls who I babysat, than it was friends or a guy. Than I got married and it was for my husband and step kids. Then it was for Ej, he was truly the wake up call I needed. He was the final straw and fight It took to get me in gear. He helped me find myself and be truly happy with who she was. Depression will never win again because I deserve better than that and I have my own little wild one to give me the fight I can't find in myself. Let me tell you there are days where he is the only reason I get up or breathe. I never knew having a baby would save my life but in my situation that is exactly what happened. Momma loves you my little man!