Update

It's been too busy for me to post with everything going on, now that I'm finally home I thought I'd write. I've had so many things pop into my head that I wanted to write but of course they were times when I couldn't put them down on anything. So this may be a little more all over the place than it usually is.

So lately I've been so dang frustrated with how scared Eddie is of everything. It mostly gets bad at night when I can't get anything done because of how severe his separation anxiety is. It's worse than before, he is back to having to be on my chest to sleep and I feel like I'm suffocating most moments. I'm working through so much on my own that some nights I struggle shutting my emotions off so I can be a mom first. My dad had to step in and take care of Eddie for a moment because I couldn't do it at that moment anymore. We both were hysterically crying and I knew in that moment I needed to take a mom moment. I was sitting on the couch and realized something (Sorry for the double, but my dad is amazing so I had to share a screenshot.) I need to focus on Eddies fears as a blessing because it's one of his biggest strengths. I was never scared when I was little because of the darkness I was surrounded by, I had no idea that no fear was actually a bad thing. Maybe, just maybe that's why I keep getting myself into bad situations with people. Him being afraid means he can keep himself safe, he can watch out because he doesn't expect the worst. That means no matter how many times I feel like I fail; I'm doing something right, somehow.

While driving to Nevada for my sisters wedding my brain was going nuts; times like this I wish I had a flash drive to catch my thoughts till I stop. Driving for 6 hours, damn I could have got so much down. Anyways, so lately my brain Fucking sucks. The memories that never stop; feel like the death of me. I've been having memories from my marriage which has been over with for a long time, not just from Darren. While driving I realized that maybe I'm having all these memories coming up so I don't make the same mistakes again. So that I can finally chose a different path this time. I cannot make the same mistakes, it's not just me that gets hurt. I know there is no guarantee that Eddie won't get hurt by a third mann in his life, I have no control over that. But, I can learn from my mistakes and do my best. Darren came up in a conversation the other day and Eddie asked who that was. This broke me, and not because I want him to remember him; but because he's repressing something that hurt him. But it also made me realize that no matter how hard I try I cannot protect that little boy from everything. I can just love him with everything I got and show him his mom will never give up on life and him. That I won't allow us to be sad and scared the rest of our lives.

I have no idea where our life is headed but I know that no matter how many times I want to stop going, I won't. That no matter how many times I think Eddie is better off without me, he couldn't have a better person taking care of him. He can't function without me right now and I can't function without him either. One day he isn't going to need me to sleep or want me constantly so I'm going to soak it up. My friend Mic told me that being sad because something is over and missing someone you shouldn't sucks and hurts like hell but it means it mattered. It means you lived and I'll take pain over not living or taking chances. I hope everyone lives and takes chances because life is too damn short to live any other way. "Pain demands to be felt", it means we're alive.