Why?

This is the worst question in my opinion. It can be a simple question or it can result in a painful answer. It's a question I've asked for as long as I can remember. Today I buried one of my best friends and my heart is aching. I feel like the sky may just fall soon and it will all be done. I just kept getting hit over and over again. My mind hasn't stopped all day with this question on top of how the hell did we get here?!

I am so damn angry and struggling. I just took one of my hot showers and am sitting in Eddies room because I can't breathe or sleep. I just want time to freeze for a second so I can catch my breath. Why did he have to die..... I need him tonight and I'm alone with no way to hear him. I don't remember our last conversation or the last time he said I love you back. I don't know how we got here and I wish we weren't.....

I want to scream and the silent screams in the shower just didn't cut it tonight. I've thought about going for a drive since Darren is here so the kids won't be left alone but I don't know. My own battles are hitting hard today and I feel like maybe this is going to be too rough for me. I know I'm strong but I'm so damn tired of being strong.

I can't get the why out of my head. Why am I never enough...... Why can't I just be the one that someone wants right away and know 100%..... I know I'm a lot and the damage was done before I had a chance to stop it but god damn can it stop haunting me now.... I am so tired of feeling like I'm not enough but then I realize if I can't even stand myself how can I expect others to.

I'm trying to get the courage to take a deep breathe and let the tears fall so maybe I'll feel better tomorrow, everytime I think the tears are done coming bam a another wave comes. I'm guilty for feeling this way because someones battle ended because their demons got the best of them and today wasn't supposed to be about me or my emotions but I feel like garbage.

I just want to run and never look back because this spot I keep ending up isn't fun anymore. How can I give so many people love and every inch of me and not feel like I deserve anything. I'm starting to think at this point I will never feel or be enough for just being who I am.... I don't know what to do with myself at this point. I hope everyone else is having a better night than me.