365 Day's

I"m trying to hold in the tears and not feel like I'm drowning. I scheduled a Ketamine appointment in two weeks and it can't come quick enough. I knew August would be hard but I didn't realize how hard today would be. I was content being alone and finally happy with my life and than I walked into a bar and it changed my life.

A year ago today I took a guy home which I would have NEVER done, but for some reason this time was different. I planned on never seeing him ever again after that night; but he was persistent. He wanted to show me that there are good guys out there. I stayed strong till August and than gave in and fell in love. I tried so hard not to but couldn't control it. I finally felt like maybe just maybe my luck was changing.

Everything fell into place and he made all my fears and insecurities easier to handle and not be as much of an issue. He made me feel like maybe just maybe I wasn't too much for someone. That I could be loved regardless of what my past looked like. I knew if it fell through my hands it would hurt like hell but he had convinced me he wasn't going anywhere so I let my guard down. I don't regret it because I learned so much from him and I learned to love in a different way than I ever have before. I learned to communicate and control my feelings till I was ready to express and talk them out. Believe it or not we hadn't been in one fight. Not one fight or argument. That's why I was so surprised when it all ended and so quick. God I knew it would hurt but I never expected it to hurt this bad. Leaving my ex husband didn't even hurt this bad.

All I crave is being loved and being someone's first no matter what. Someone who loves me and Eddie with everything they have and it not being too much to ask. I don't understand why I'm not. Maybe it's because I take people and make them better people and than they move on and give the next person everything they deserve. I don't know why or if I will ever find my person but I know every painful event has taught me the best lessons.

It's getting easier and easier unless a memory or date pops up. Since moving to Idaho Eddie asks for him less and less. He starts therapy next week and hopefully we both can heal and continue making the best life we can. I don't know if I will ever not have months where I completely fall apart but I do know I will fight like hell to make sure Eddie doesn't have to deal with any of this; at least the environmental since I can't control genetics. I've learned leaning into the memories and pain instead of running away from it makes the healing and pain go away much faster.

I stayed in Utah longer to try to make a life with him, maybe it all worked out because I think we were meant to come at the time we did. I landed an amazing job I love; they believe in me enough to start me on salary, works around Eddie and I love the people I work with. Eddie got into one of the best daycares which is amazing because the waiting lists for daycares is insane here, they offer school so it will all be at the same place in August.

I bought a gun and am learning to use it so I can keep Eddie and me safe no matter what. I am looking into getting my motorcycle licence so I can ride with my dad. Just bought a new camera set with 3 lenses and am finally learning what I love again. Taking more photos and getting somewhere with my book and focusing on me the best I know how. I'm on a waiting list for therapy and still reading and doing all the work I know how to do on my own.

So even when I cry at night because I hate sleeping alone and I miss him so damn much it makes the good moments even more amazing. Like blasting music in the car with the wind blowing, having dance parties with Eddie, jumping on the tramp or just watching his brain tick.

I've learned so much in the last 365 days and no matter how hard it was; it all will end up being for the best because one day I will wake up and it won't hurt anymore. I'll look back at who I was, all the sadness, heartbreak and every moment that didn't go as planned and think to myself; I had to go through that, had to break like that, had to fall apart so many times and had to hit rock bottom so I could learn all of the things I've learned. Like the grace in the fall, the light at the bottom, the flip side of the sadness and all the sad songs that helped me feel a little less alone. I had to go through everything to realize there is strength in the pieces, courage in the pain and so much self discovery in all the plans that fell apart. To get my footing, learn to fly, and become the strong, brave, brilliant, determined woman I am today. One day I won't be falling anymore and it will all be worth it.

Taking it one day at a time and getting back to where I was before I walked into that bar. Stop overthinking how I got here and where things went wrong. Just be grateful for the little things and that I got to love him. I got to be apart of his story and make memories I'll hold dear for the rest of my life. Here's to leaning into all the emotions today and moving forward.