336 hours 6/16/20

Well Looks I may be here for 45 days. I'm willing to really do the work so I'm gonna make the best out of however long I end. up being here. Every time I'm given an assignment I put my all into it. The main focus were focusing on right now is how much I disassociate along with EMDR on a list of traumas that make me numb. I realized this week that maybe the reason I've been so numb is because when I'm home and i know I need to cry or get stuff out I watch a sad movie or listen to a specific playlist. So I think I've been dissociating longer than I expected, possibly my whole life.

The hard part is wanting so damn much to feel things and my body and brain not letting me. I know it's a protection method but damn I just wanna fight and be the best healthy and whole Haley I can be. So I'm gonna try to be patient . Patient with the process, timing, reasoning but most importantly with myself. I am worth being a healthy and whole person who loves herself. I built these walls to protect myself along with because it's all I've ever known. So I'm gonna be patient with my healing process because eventually I will be healed. So much has happened and I'm learning so much. I wish I could document it all but I can't and I don't really need to. I need to focus on becoming who I truly am.