23rd Ketamine Infusion

Today was Ketamine day and let me tell you how amazing it is that my brain is silent. I finally slept and don't feel like I'm drowning in my thoughts. It was less than 3 months this time and it's so hard to not beat myself up about it. I was doing so damn good waiting 6+ months to do it. I have to give myself grace because there have been a ton of changes in my life and I'm not a "normal person" without trauma so handling change is harder. I handle it better than I use to but it's still one of my biggest struggles.

I wish I could say I don't think about dying or similar dark thoughts but it's never not been a thought for me. I can remember wanting to kill myself as early as 6ish. It's a thought I've never not had. I already hate how I look; well actually almost everything about me. The occasions that I don't are short lived. Luckily wanting to die is something I don't act on or actively want to happen; it's just a lingering thought. It's more being tired of fighting and being broken, wanting to not feel anything bad anymore. Getting angry because you take all these pills, do self help and any work you can and yet you still end up right back in that dark place. That suffocating unable to catch your breath place that feels like this time will be it, it will be the end of you. Wanting the simplest thing that you can't seem to get. Just wanting to be loved...... Something so simple yet hard to get.

I've talked to someone recently about them experiencing wanting to die for the first time and how scary that was. Looking at this person I broke into tears...... The pain all over their face, I wish I could take that pain away from every single person who feels it. They looked at me and said I don't know how you feel like this on a regular basis. I know I'm strong but in that moment I realized how strong I really am. I feel all these terrible things and have the darkest thoughts but I still get up and go to work, take care of Eddie and fight every damn day to continue making it. To make sure he won't have to heal from as many things.

I'm not a pro by any means, god there are so many days I have to physically fight to get out of bed. To not sleep my life away, to eat and get some kind of nutrients. To not be a shell of a person on auto pilot. To not break and ruin everything I've worked so hard to get. My past has done a number on me and the fact that I'm still standing is a damn miracle. Not to mention that I still love like I was never broken. No matter who you are I still give you all my love and what I have if it means I can help. All this darkness hasn't made me hard no matter how many scars I get and I'll always be proud of that no matter how bad it hurts most days.

I've came a long way since April..... No one talks about how breakups make you question who you are, your worth and beauty. No one talks about how the way you looked at yourself in the mirror becomes warped and broken. It's not just the loss, anger or disappointment. It's not feeling enough and worse than you already did. Every possible flaw becomes as red as blood and you can't get it out of your head. Picking at it till it flows and makes the redness more vibrant. Wondering why after everything you've gone through you ended up right back here again. But the beauty in healing and ketamine is that you get the chance to grow and move on from it. You get to reflect on how far you've came and all the days you didn't want to get out of bed and did anyways. The times you've cried your eyes out and than stood up and turned it off because you don't have a choice but to keep going; not letting the fog take over your life. It's believing in yourself and your future again; even on the days you have to fight to even exist.

So take a moment to thank yourself for how far you've come. You may not be where you want to be in life at this moment but you are at least trying and that's more than enough regardless of what anyone else thinks. Close your eyes in front of a mirror and hold tight so that when you open those eyes again and you look back at yourself you can breathe and learn to love yourself again. Because the two eyes looking back at you are the most important ones in this lifetime, the two you can't run from and the only two eyes that matter in the end....

I have no idea where my future is going and if I'll ever get the love I crave and want so bad but I know I will make it. I know I'm not perfect but I know I'm a damn good mom making the best life I can for this little man and it's a pretty damn good one.

Ketamine gave me hope.... Ketamine gave me grace..... Grace in accepting that it's okay to need help. That moving on from the past can be possible. That not everyone's process and story looks the same. That I am strong enough for whatever challenge is placed upon me. Ketamine saved my brain which in return is saving me. I will forever be greateful for that.