19th Ketamine Treatment

I scheduled this Ketamine treatment not too long after my last one. I was in a very dark place when I got my last booster so it didn't last long, on top of that I didn't get the full dosage. That booster was a different experience all together. Still helped but would have called for another one sooner even if I had gotten the full dose.

I'm still in such a empty mind set that I can't exactly tell how everything is doing. I don't feel like I'm in a dark or struggling place but not quite sure of anything else. I was groggy the rest of the day this time and just took it really easy. I've had a couple of people take me to get my treatments but one person makes me feel the safest there. She wasn't able to go with me yesterday so I struggled until I got the booster. Started having a small panic attack while driving up there. I'm grateful I was able to attend but also that I am able to recognize that I'm needing to be more aware of who takes me.

I've been struggling this week before yesterday. I have this hero complex where I think and try to save everyone even if it's at my own cost. I have lots of people in my life and only a few I am close to now. I wanted so desperately this week to make someone dear to me feel better. I wish I could just put everyone in a bubble and keep them safe. This world is already so dark and watching the ones you love struggle hurts like you got punched.

I'm sure I'll write later this week once I know where I'm at mentally. I'm going to have a good weekend and enjoy my time. Cis comes home Monday and I have her all next week. Next weekend is the last weekend with just Eddie before I have Cis on Saturdays and every other weekend again. The kids start school soon and I'm so excited and nervous. I feel like they grew in a blink of an eye. Watching them become who they are has been so amazing though!

Bar guy is slowly breaking my walls down and it's exciting but terrifying. Even if we remain friends it's nice to know that good people still exist and I can trust again. That Eddie will be okay regardless of how weird or difficult things get. The difference between the other situations is I am aware of how each person coming around affects him and I won't be rotating like it's time to play house like some people do. Learning to put me and my kids first. It's going to be a long road learning to put me at top too but it will be worth it.