18th Ketamine Infusion

Today I had my 18th Ketamine infusion. Way sooner than normal but today I learned you can’t be prideful with these things. Sometimes just like needing your meds changed; life gets hard, and you need a little help. I’m going to have to be much kinder to myself and turn for help when I need it till, I can level out again. I found a new therapist and start Wednesday while I’m terrified I'm excited all at the same time.

Finding a new therapist is one of the hardest and scariest things; especially because I finally had found a good one. I was making breakthroughs and getting somewhere. Lately the universe just doesn’t want to give me a break. One thing after the next like a never-ending bad cycle. Before I had to stop seeing him, we were working on EMDR and for once it was working. EMDR is like reliving the trauma all over again. You can feel the pain, smell things, and experience it as if it was in that very moment happening.

One of the memories we worked on last was the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. He was able to unlock a lot of memories that I honestly wish were still locked deep in a vault. Everything happens for a reason and remembering these particular memories was needed regardless if I ever know why. I was sex trafficked but in the way you would think……

Drug addicts, they will do whatever it takes to get their fix. They cannot think about anyone or anything but getting their next fix. I don’t know exactly what drugs my mom was on, but her fix was bad enough I became her payment. One of the memories was her getting me all done up. I remember doing this from a young age but never had put it all together till this session. Then a black SUV pulled up with 5 men. They handed my mom a bag and I went into the car; my mom took the bag and went and got high. I was repeatedly raped over and over by these men. Taking turns like I was some toy. Being watched when it wasn't there turn.

After I started having breakthroughs at therapy like this, I started to build my walls higher and higher. I still wonder if I will ever be able to fully let a man into my life ever again. I stopped talking to anyone who I had been sexual with or loved and put a huge wall up. I ran and pulled away. When we did EMDR my therapist cried, he was in tears because of the information that had come out in this particular session. I was in shock, how could someone actually care about this? No one else did, hell if I had told my ex husband he wouldn't have even been that emotional. Maybe it's because he feels and sees the reactions when the EMDR is taking place; but I'll never 100% understand no matter how hard I try. I seemed okay after this and just kept working harder on getting better.

Today I could not wait for my Ketamine to get my brain to finally be content and quiet. I needed the universe to give me a break for one fucking day. The emotional baggage I’ve been carrying this year was slowly killing me from the inside out. Ketamine was different today, partly because I didn’t go to the bathroom when I got there like I needed to. Because of this we had to cut the infusion short so that I could go to the bathroom. I still disassociated and had my normal experience while the pathways in my head heal.

Today though I actually lived some of the memories I worked through in therapy while under Ketamine. I was able to process the sexual abuse and a lot of stuff with my ex-husband. Realizing how things correlated and finally able to feel like I’m going to be okay afterwards. Not feel so defeated about everything. BUT I was finally able to tell someone about this particular memory before I typed it here today.

I don’t know how I survived or why; but what I do know is there is a reason. I cannot give up and let all of these hard things I have gone through be for nothing. I wish my past wasn’t so dark, but it is what it is. I live with it like I live with mental health. Hopefully I can get fully better and possibly let someone in again. Right now, I am grateful for Mic for taking me and being someone, I can trust with dark, crippling memories like these. Jackie for being an amazing nurse who doesn’t just shove an IV in my arm. She takes time to know what is going on and why I am struggling so much. She access everything down to a T so that I am getting the best treatment out there. She will text me tomorrow to check on me and will stay in contact for a while. We both agreed for a little bit I should do boosters more often when able and needed. The degree at which I recently tanked is out right terrifying.

I’m going to try to stop beating myself up so much about needing Ketamine and my meds. Anyone who went through what I have may have not survived. I am healing and growing, even if most people don’t see it. I tend to keep everything going on with me a secret and just take cover; till I finally pour my heart out on here. I shut people out and run as fast as I can in the other direction; there were multiple times someone asked me about my therapy sessions, and I refused to talk about it. I just kept it in an let it boil. What are people going to think of me after finding out these things…… How does anyone know it wasn’t my fault these things happened. I could have fought harder for them to stop but I didn’t……

I’m just a toxic as the next person, to myself mostly but also to others. I need to start understanding why I am the way I am and forgive myself like I do everyone else. I am constantly making excuses for people’s behavior. Even my mom…… She went through a lot of the same things when she was a kid, so I’ve always excused her behavior and kind of just been numb to it. I’m no longer going to excuse the things and behavior because I was able to break it. I was able to walk away from it and make sure my kids have the best life possible.

An old friend told me recently that I'm not a positive person, they may be right but would you be after everything? Regardless of what everyone thinks I am trying my absolute best. making the best of everyday and enjoying watching my kid grow up with less baggage than his momma. No matter how much I crack I will make it.