168 Hours 6/9/20

Today started out bad...... I woke up with a migraine so I didn't get to participate in the morning activity. I was so sick I was on the verge of a seizure. Than we had a group therapy where I was so anxious I was shaking uncontrollably and completely checked out. Not engaged at all, I was paying attention enough to get my assignment done but that was it. I struggled with a thing called Dissociation, and probably have my entire life.The google definition of Dissociation is: Disconnection and lack of continuity between thoughts, memories, surroundings, actions, and identity. For me I am numb and completely checked out mentally but present physically. It's like I'm floating through the motions to survive but not living.

Sunday when the kid's left after visitation I dissociated. I knew I should have cried, been sad and even angry but I wasn't. Not even anxious. I was completely numb, like nothing significant had just happened. I started my day along with my individual therapy session angry and checked out. I'm lucky to have therapists experienced with a lot of my issues. I was reassured constantly by all of staff and even my peers. We started my EMDR process and did a good memory as a safe place for the hard EMDR days. I picked a memory we named 2 AM run. When I was younger my dad was just like one of the friends. He would take my friends and I to run through cemeteries at 2 AM. we would laugh, be a team group. No judgment. No one wasn't happy and laughing.

We went through the memory to the point I was able to smell the freshly cut grass like it was happening all over again. Dirt, with the we smell of sprinklers. I felt the sweat from running on m body. It gave me goosebumps. It was like I was reliving that very moment all over again,

Than the plan for the future was made. For EMDR, group, individual, trauma and when I get out. The EMDR with trauma will be similar to the good memory so I have to be very aware and in tune with my body and my needs. I am excited but terrified to take this step. As of right now they don't think I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). They think the trauma and life finally caught up to me and I had a breakdown.

This is going to be one of the hardest things I ever do but I deserve it and so does my kids. I wanted to run so bad today. Just run and hide from tll the facts and pain. The feelings and memories were so hard. Video calling Edward and having him cry and reach for me made me feel like I was missing a huge whole in me. I needed his touch as much as he needed mine. That's the funny thing about kids, they are needed way more than we are. They always know what to do to make someone feel better.

But eventually the current pain from my son wanting me pulled me out of disassociation. It allowed me to feel and do hard things. A month away from my kids is better than a lifetime of healing for them from my mistakes. So here we go!