14th Ketamine Treatment

December has no been a good month for me. My ex husband moved back to Washington leaving me to be the sole parent of Edward and taking Cisna when needed or I want her. Ending my marriage was easy till it wasn't. Once he was gone it hit like a bowling ball and destroyed me. Than loosing my job unexpected for something I hadn't done. I spent most days in bed, didn't get up unless it was to feed the kids or go to the bathroom. Hadn't eaten because when I get depressed I don't have an appetite. Eating physically makes me sick when I get low like I was. I had already been planning and working with Jackie on setting up a Ketamine treatment because I could feel myself slipping. I upped my anti depressants to 60 MG because the 40 MG weren't cutting it anymore. I like to keep everything bottled up and act like I have everything under control. So other than talking to Jackie and upping my med's I kept to myself.

I went to my dads for dinner and finally got out of the house, on the way home I felt like an empty shell that was just wandering around for her son. I wasn't being a good mom, I was on edge and snapping a lot. I wanted to sleep even when Edward wanted to wrestle or cuddle. When I was driving home I realized if I didn't have Edward I would have driven off the road. I was done, my mind had gotten back to the point where it was as dark as high school. I hadn't spiraled like I would have before I started Ketamine but it still got bad.

Ketamine has made me able to handle things in healthier ways. I was talking to the nurse Jackie about the data collected from Ketamine treatments. It's hard to pin point how well Ketamine is doing when life throws curve balls at you so you feel like your failing. I can see the good it's done since I started but the data makes it look like I am okay but in reality I'm not because circumstances can make me go from being good to horrible in a split second.

Depression is like cancer of the mind...... No matter how many drugs or treatment you get it's still there. Especially mine due to the chemical imbalance in my brain on top of the trauma I've been through. I've been so scared lately that I'll never be able to have a healthy normal relationship. Not just romantically but friendships as well.That I may never have another baby, I love Edward more than I knew possible. But I'm going to be 27 next week and this just wasn't where I pictured my life ending up.

So I am going to focus on getting better so I can have a healthy normal relationship. Raise Edward to be the kid I know he can be. Become a genuinely good person, not a good person like I am currently but go above and beyond to be a better person. Make others lives matter. Potty train Edward, teach him colors, numbers, words and so much more. I was so good at living in the moment for a long time that I need to start doing it again.

So I had my 14th Ketamine treatment today and boy am I already in a clearer head space. I can think logically without the dark cloud above my head. I had the normal out of body experience of mazes and colors. Slept most of the day but once the medications wore off I was able to do the dishes, laundry, clean, and play with my son. I don't feel like a zombie anymore just trying to float through life. I'm hoping since things aren't supposed to be hard I won't need a booster for 6 months to a year or more. I have the to Ketamine to do at home and am continuing therapy.

So this is me just trying to be the best mom and person I can be. Even if that means multiple shower cries, failed attempts at relationships, anxiety and depression that clouds me than disappears only to come back weeks later. I have to remember I am just human and can have bad moments. It doesn't make me less of a person or a mom. Just makes me stronger than I ever thought possible.

Perhaps what made her beautiful was not her appearance or what she achieved, but in her love and in her courage, and her audacity to believe: no matter the darkness around her, light ran wild within her, and that was the way she came out alive, and it showed up in everything.