When the fight seems impossible

It's been a hot minute but school is kicking my ass. I should actually be writing a paper and not blogging but I was going to lose my shit. Today was one of the hardest days I've had in a long time and quite frankly I wish I didn't exist but I have a son who makes it so I have to be and for that, I will forever be grateful. I'm going to start with some good though because until this week I have been fine and quite happy, I even realized that if I take more breaks from being a mom I may be able to cut Ketamine down to once a year and that would be amazing. Don't get me wrong Ketamine is amazing and will always be a part of my life but I also want to be able to be okay for longer periods of time and I'm so damn close.

I took more than a night away from Eddie for the first time since I went inpatient in 2019 and it was amazing. God did I miss him but I got to be Haley for 5 days! I planned a vacation for myself for my 30th as a present to myself. I made sure my homework was all done before I went and Eddie had everything he was going to need so I could relax. I went to Cancun and did so many things. I sat on the beach and just breathed, overpowered my fear, ate amazing food, and scuba-dove. I wasn't actually scared till we started the class and it felt like I was having an asthma attack. You have to pass certain tests to be able to go and there was one specific one where you had to put water in your mask and blow the water back out with your nose while having the oxygen tank in your mouth. It was a mind fuck to breathe in with your mouth than blow out with your nose and not breathe in with your nose. But I eventually got out of my head and figured it out. It was phenomenal and I cannot wait to take Eddie someday.

Before I left on my trip we ended up laying my grandpa to rest after a long life. We lived with this man most of my life and when I became a mom he took in my family as well. It was bittersweet because he was finally out of pain but that was the first person in Eddie's life to die and he is very aware of it. He doesn't remember a time when we were not living with him till we moved to Idaho and even with that we are in Utah at least one weekend a month. It's still an adjustment we are getting used to. But we're managing and that's all that matters.

Therapy is going amazing for us, even on the bad days. It's helping me actually stick to school and not drop out because oh boy have I been tempted (Tonight being one of them). Most of my trauma and abuse happened when I was supposed to be at school; it's how my mom got away with it. Most people don't know but I can't even do simple math in my head. My dad never knew we weren't going to school till he got a court order for too much school missed; then of course she wouldn't have a choice to take us. Also, I was in survival mode during school age so retaining stuff is almost non-existent which makes school very difficult as an adult. I'm powering through it though and will graduate. My therapist requested the same testing Eddie had done to see what assistance I could get when the classes are getting difficult; for example when I have to test they won't be able to be timed. Of course, because I'm an adult my insurance denied it so unless my school pays for it that will be out of pocket but at this point, it's necessary to continue and actually get further in my life. We know I have trauma-induced ADHD, undiagnosed dyslexia, and we know something is wrong with my memory we just don't know what and this test will give us the answers we need to help me succeed in all aspects of my life.

Being a full-time single mom who works and goes to school full-time is the hardest thing I have ever done. Homework doesn't wait on Eddie's bad days or when my mental health acts up. I have to power through and if my dad's working (which has been a lot lately) I have to balance getting it all done. We recently learned about a thing called masking which Eddie absolutely does. It's when your autistic kid masks their disabilities and behavior in a public setting (Daycare and School). Then when he gets home he unloads all the pent-up behaviors and emotions on me. It's why Eddie didn't show any signs of Autism before and still doesn't in school or at daycare. I will take him misbehaving with me over at school any day though so we're making it work.

Taking care of a kid with disabilities is draining and a lot. I cry a lot and most days feel like I'm not enough for him. I wonder why he has to struggle so much and why we have this particular life. I wish I could say I have it together all the time but I don't, most days we are just surviving making it day by day. I have to put my mental health to the side and put him first always. I have to put my emotions aside even when I'm being physically assaulted to hold my composure so that I can get him regulated again. Sometimes I have to pretend to physically (using hand motion) pull my emotions from myself and set them aside to calm myself down so I can be front and center in the ways he needs me.

Today he was in a great mood when I picked him up from school and my happy Eddie. Talked about his friends and how excited he is to pick a book at the book fair next week during parent-teacher conferences. He got a "comic" of all the books and wanted to bring it into therapy but I didn't let him for multiple reasons and that set him off when he's already been anxious since he knows his dad's coming next month and it always dysregulates him. He loves seeing his dad and has so much fun when he does come but it sets him off. His therapy session then consisted of him hitting, pushing, kicking me, and calling me names. He told me he hates me, I'm stupid, ugly, and fat; most of the time these things don't affect me long term because I know he doesn't mean them and he doesn't know what he is saying. Getting him in the car afterward was a challenge in itself and he ended up slamming his head into the top of the door trying to hit me which then pissed him off even more. When he is at that level there is no calming him down he has to regulate a little bit before I can help. I got in the car and turned the music up while he screamed. I decided to film it today and it's heartbreaking but my reality. I cried and drove and he screamed and kicked the seat. I love Eddie and even in these moments he is perfect to me but that doesn't make it any less hard. It doesn't make me not want to give up some days and it doesn't make me wonder why he isn't "normal". All of these things cross my mind but in the end when he is calm and he curls up in my arms and tells me he loves me; the rest disappears and that moment is all that matters. He acts out because he knows he's safe with me, he hits me because he trusts me enough to get the anger and emotions out. He knows in the end no matter what I will always love him and still be here fighting this fight with him.

I have ketamine Friday and am grateful because at this point I need it. I need a reset so I can be the best Haley for all the areas in my life that need me at my best.

Eddie, I love you with every fiber of my being and I am so sorry it's hard but I promise we got this and I will never give up on you. "Always together" like you tell me all the time. Keep being you and shining. Mamma loves you mostest ghostest<3

Also, our family photos were amazing once again!