Two Months in

I am about two months into the semester and to say I am exhausted is an understatement. Some days I don't get a moment till after midnight to even breathe and it sucks. My goal was to do a bunch of trauma work this summer and back off when school started but my therapist wanted to be in charge of the process, which has led us to not getting close till now. She needed to build good bones before we could proceed and for a while, I felt like I wasn't moving and staying stagnant. Then last week my session hit me like a ton of bricks; it ended with us both crying and her thanking me for finally being so vulnerable. I hadn't realized I had so many walls up for her but I guess I did. So intense trauma work continues for me and Eddie now that he started Nuero Feedback Therapy. It's worth it but damn am I exhausted.

In one week I work from 8-5, take Eddie to school and pick him up, take him to at least two hours of therapy, my one hour of therapy, one in-person class that's 3 hours long, have 6 hours of lectures, plus any assignments and reading I've been given, manage his social workers hours so she gets paid, make sure all my certification is up to date, manage all other appointments. and so much more. That doesn't include normal cleaning, eating, showering, spending time with Eddie in a fun way, working out, any other relationships or just taking a minute to breathe. It's hard but I know in the end it will all be worth it, I just have to make it to the end.

We're suspecting Eddie has some learning disabilities that are similar to mine so first grade hasn't been as good as Kindergarten was. I'm having to fight tooth and nail to get him to do any homework or work on his spelling and reading. I can physically see the Autism and ADHD rearing their head and he tries so hard. I'll always love Eddie regardless but sometimes I wish I could just calm his brain, sadly his mom knows exactly what it's like to have a brain that's "On Fire". I just hope we can get all his kinks and baggage out now so that when he's my age he won't have to fight so hard to just be okay. I want him to live and be happy, not just survive day by day.

Things are good with Zack; honestly, him being gone during the week has been my saving grace. It allows me to focus on what we need to get done so that by the time he's home we can just be together. He showed Eddie how to use a guitar this last weekend and it was so fun to see. My dad is amazing and such a great influence on Eddie but he's still Pappa and my dad and Eddie knows it. Eddie craves a father figure who can be a "dad" without being my dad. I know it seems silly but it's what he craves and I'm grateful he gets a piece of that weekly now.

Working out has been non-existent and I can feel it bleeding into all aspects of my life but as I learned last semester with my learning disabilities sleep has to come above the rest. December will be here before we know it and I'll for sure get my work out once a week when the semester ends.

Therapy is getting really hard and personal so I'm gonna hold that close to my chest till I feel like I'm ready to share it. I'm learning how not helpful talking about some things is and that it can re-traumatize your brain. It's why a lot of therapists use EMDR, IFS, TMS, Play therapy, and other techniques now instead of just having you sit in a room and talk. Don't get me wrong talking is great but sometimes it does more damage than good.

I'm beyond lucky for everything I have and will never forget that no matter how hard life gets <3