The Waves Go On

It's been a minute but to be honest all the energy I have goes into Eddie and most days I don't even have any left for me; but I figured I should write before we start school next week. I don't know if I'll have any energy left to write here which sucks because I already barely update it or write at all these days. I've learned to love my privacy though and have been balancing what I want to put out here while still being as vulnerable as I can be. I got rid of social media again and only log on to get support on some things with eddie; so that I can focus on what is important and just keep myself grounded. It seriously has done wonders for me and showed me how much I enjoy people not knowing everything about my life. I'm gonna fit a lot into this post though so it may be sectioned depending on how it flows.

I've had a lot of self reflection on myself but also my relationships and am quickly realizing how many I don't need anymore. How much I give others when I don't receive anything back, and how far back this went in my life. It truly shows how much healing I've done but also how much healing I have to do still. Boundaries and drawing lines have always been difficult for me and haven't gotten easier with healing. How certain behaviors don't fly for me anymore and it's only getting worse so well see whos still around after everything.

We went and saw my med doctor to get me on ADHD meds for school and to get Eddie on anxiety meds to see if it could improve his overall life. This kid still doesn't sleep through the night unless he's in bed with me so it's a rare occasion we sleep all the way through a night and the effects of that suck. Eddie was having one of his rough days which ended up being such a good thing. Our doctor interacted with him for a good hour where he saw what we see at home; which I'll go into here for a minute. Eddie is highly sensitive to temperature and noise. Even if I hit the button for my radio on accident it ends in a huge melt down of him screaming in my face. If his food is too hot or cold he immediately spits it out and throws the plate. When he gets upset he will smack himself in the face, bash his head on the wall or even scratch himself. I walk on eggshells around my own kid when I know I don't have much energy to give to try my best to not set him off. I've learned I have to approach everything I say and every situation in a particular way or were both on the floor crying. Seeing my baby hurt himself is a feeling I can't even describe. Usually with Eddies regular therapy he's pretty calm because of the environment and the trust he has for his therapist which is a great thing; the only downside is he hasn't seen some of this negative behaviour it's all from my dad or my mouth. He was set off by the blood pressure machine and the vitals they take so our med doctor got to see a panic attack, than he saw eddie run around the room like he had just drank an energy drink unable to focus or calm down, he saw him get in my face and hit me when his game didn't go right and yell at me, he saw him slap himself in the face when he couldn't do something. So we walked out of that room with what I've known in my heart was true; Eddie is indeed Autistic just high functioning. He still has ODD and ADHD but he is indeed different. He starts occupational therapy soon to help with his food issues and will continue on the path we've already been on. It's taught me a new way of parenting and a new way of living. It won't be so much walking on eggshells anymore and more how will this make sense in his brain. This kid is one of the most amazing kids I've ever met and I don't say that just because he's mine, I've been told by many that this is the case. His laugh will light up a room and he can make you laugh by being the funniest thing. He is able to set boundaries and draw lines I still struggle with, he is everything I strive to be and I am honored I get to be his mom. We finally have the big questions answered and for that I can breathe! This wasn't an easy thing to accept at first and I still struggle some days but I just have to take it day by day.

I am still battling my own mental health and now having a complex child just makes that a little harder, I'm not gonna lie. I have more breakdowns than don't. Especially now where things are hitting faster and faster and I feel like I'm drowning some days..... I'm about to start school again while navigating this new life we've been given and I cannot fail this time. My body associates a lot of my trauma with school because that's when most of the abuse happened so this is a slippery slope but one I'm not willing to not succeed at. On top of all of this my grandpa who I lived with most of my life was just put on hospice and is going down hill. I already took a huge pay cut to help provide Eddie with the support he needs so I'm not as financially stable as I'd like and all of this most days feels like I'm walking around with 5 of Eddie on my shoulders. I take it day by day and with the help of my therapist I'm still able to regulate my emotions so that even on my really bad days it's rare Eddie sees it. I've never been healthier and that is my saving grace other than those moments I still hold on where Eddie is just Eddie and not struggling. I've taken a step back from dating to really just focus on us because that's what's important and no matter how much I could use someone to just hold me I don't have anything to give to anyone else at this time. I've made some vision boards to help me really stay focused on the rough days and check in before I go to bed and when I wake up so that I am taking a little time for myself and holding onto the future we deserve. It's my saving grace minus my photos of Eddie around the house that keep me going.

Left:

A cap for graduating college.

Amsterdam; a trip I wanna take with Eddie to see the Anne Frank house.

A puppy for our emotional support animal.

Healings words for a better life.

A baby for another child.

My book cover to finally finish and possibly publish something.

Midde:

Utilize school.

Travel and see the world.

Confident along with a fit body.

Be a better mom every day.

Organize my writing.

Financial Freedom.

Healthy mindset.

Honest and true love.

Independent.

Healthy relationships.

Right:

Motorcycle to accomplish not only owning a bike but getting my licence.

Modeling photo; to get fit again and learn to love my body for what it is in my 30's.

The ring represents a lot; marriage, love, a family, healthy relationship, and forever.

Glowforge is my one dream crafting machine.

Debt free so that I don't owe anybody anything.

A house of our own that we can call home and make our own.

I've always had the middle board but I decided I needed a little more and looking at this twice a day has done wonders for me. I've learned there are ways Eddie does things that are similar to to the way I am. You cannot just tell him no; he needs logic and an explanation behind everything. I struggle with this a lot of the times too, I need to know why and how things works and I've learned having visuals helps me process and retain much better. I don't know what these next months or years look like or how they will turn out but I do know I am right where I am meant to be and I will eventually check all of these things off my list or adjust them as I grow as a person. Dreaming kept me going and alive when the days were so dark I wanted to die so now I'm going to let them flow with me as we create the life we deserve and I become a better person with the most amazing child that ever existed. Pain demands to be felt and I'm ready to jump and embrace it so we can get to the other side of it all. Watch out world us Hamelin's are about to burn down everything in our way.