Rough Pathway

I have so many emotions right now it’s gonna be hard to slow this brain of mine down. I wonder sometimes if I got on ADHD medication if I’d be able to finish one of my books and focus better but who knows if that will ever happen. I’ve started two posts already and haven’t finished them so hopefully that will be done soon. But on a good note, I’m on day two of working out again now that I’ve been cleared.

Eddie started a new daycare due to incidents and being bullied really bad at his last daycare which just fueled my anger towards even having to put him in one but that’s nor here or there. My dad has been in flight school, so he hasn’t been around, so this poor kid’s routine and norm has been completely flipped upside down. On the rare occasions I post him nowadays it’s always the good or the funny but let me tell you this kid is a difficult one.

We thought for a minute he was Autistic, and he very well may still be on the spectrum. He did 8 hours of testing broke up in 4 visits that resulted in him being diagnosed with ADHD and PTSD. Yes, my 5-year-old has been diagnosed with PTSD despite all my efforts to protect him. This was like being punched in the stomach and something I am still processing and working on not blaming myself for. But that’s my battle not his and I can just move forward and keep helping him in therapy.

He also most likely has something called ODD (Oppositional defiant disorder) which is a type of disruptive behavior disorder in which children frequently defy authority with hostility, leading to serious disturbances in their daily life. Causes are genetics and/or environment. For example, for the genetic part; a child's natural personality or character/temperament may contribute. Differences in the way nerves and the brain function also may play a role. For the environment, inconsistent or harsh discipline, or abuse/neglect may contribute. Now he hasn’t been abused or neglected and I don’t discipline physically almost ever but people abandoning him and not being consistent ontop of the domestic violence he witnessed and still brings up is what his therapist is thinking may have contributed to the environmental side if he does have it. We’re not to the point of making a diagnoses yet, so it’s something were still watching.

After Darren left both our abandonment issues reared their ugly heads even bigger than before plus all the other changes that came with that. He started hitting and scratching himself. We’ve gotten this calmed and it’s almost nonexistent now. That was a long process but were doing good there right now.

For a while he was destroying things when he got angry and would lash out, this is nonexistent now thank goodness. Now he says cruel things he knows will hurt you or has even gone as far as to say he will kill himself; it’s only been said 3 times and almost knocked me over when I heard it. I make sure to not discuss anything like that around him so I don’t know where it came from. I don’t think my heart will ever not break knowing it even came out of his mouth at one point. I pray and hope he never knows what it feels like to not want to live anymore. I was his age the first time I planned an attempt on my life and I will sell my soul if it means he doesn't get there like I did.

If you tell him to stop or try to have a conversation it will instantly put him into hysterics and it takes all of me to calm him down. For example, tonight, my dad told him not to throw the ball at the cat. That was it and he was hysterically crying saying my dad hates him, doesn’t love him, and then he hit himself. He fell asleep in my arms after about 20 minutes of crying and me reassuring him he is beyond loved and is just the kid I needed and wanted. Seeing him like this breaks me and sometimes is so suffocating I can’t breathe. I never wanted him to feel some of the things I’ve felt but the universe had different plans I guess......

I started working out and had to stop multiple times because I just had to cry and wanted to scream so bad. I’m exhausted, some days to the point of not even having energy to brush my teeth. I’m doing the best I can for him and trying every technique his therapist throws at me. I know I’m doing enough because he is getting better compared to when he started in therapy and because his therapist makes sure I know and has even spoken to my therapist about how involved I am and willing to do what I can for him. This included taking an 11,000 dollar yearly pay cut in March so I could be available to take him to his appointments. I've created an entire sensory corner for him with different activities he can do to calm or wind down. He has a sensory swing hanging in out living room he can also decompress in. I’d go to the ends of the earth for that kid and will till the day I die.

Some nights like tonight I wonder if my depression while pregnant made him the way he is or me being as damaged as I am somehow is breaking him and it’s all my fault. I know some of my depression has made an impact, but it can't just be that. It could be genetic so even if I was not me and in a happy healthy marriage he could still struggle this much. There is no way to know so I can’t linger here long. I just feel the frustration, exhaustion, sadness and then get back up and fight for the both of us.

No one’s kid’s will go unscaved from their parents, it’s damage control and the fixing that matters. In the end the most important thing is they know they are loved, and you did the absolute best for them. That they can come to you regardless of the reason and still have your love at the end of it all. If I do these things, I will have done a damn good job as his mother.

This photo was from the other night when we had a really good day so it felt appropriate to post after such a emotional post.